Ugh. Do you ever get that feeling that you're just all over the place? Like everything you do is just really chaotic and you just feel kind of icky and discontent? That's kind of how I feel right now. And I cannot quite put my finger on what the problem is. A lot of stuff at school has been stressing me out, and I'm not even usually one for stressing but there's just so much going on. What with scheduling for next semester, trying to get all these end of the semester projects done, etc. etc, it's kind of hard to avoid getting a little jumbled up. But I feel like it's something even more than that.
My friend and I were talking about how difficult our major is (although many people might not think so). I'm an Early Childhood and Special Education major and although that may just sound like oh yeah, I'm going to teach little kids and it's going to be so much fun, it's not all it's cracked up to be so far. And that's kind of hugely disappointing. It's not even the classes so much as just there is so much crap you have to go through to get to a classroom. For instance, all these clearances and things you have to get at a certain time and plan that all out. I know they're important and prevent creeps from getting into the schools and whatnot, it's just a huge bother and costs a lot of money. I have to pretty much take the SATs all over again with the Praxis test which is a bother. And on top of all of this petty stuff, there's so much in the news now about teachers not being true to their work and taking short cuts and just being bad teachers in general. There's stories about teacher who don't teach the information for the actual knowledge, but more just so the students can pass the standardized tests and get the school up to a good status and when I hear about them I get mad because that's not doing a whole lot for the kids - they're not actually learning anything! But at the same time, with all the pressure for schools to have acceptable test score ratings and teachers being blamed if the children aren't performing at a certain level, how is a teacher supposed to go about doing their job anymore? It seems like the people in charge want one thing, but the only way for teachers to get there is to cheat and take short cuts and then that gets them in more trouble. Looking at the profession of teaching, one might think that it's pretty simple and I used to think so as well. But after going through the classes and reading all these news stories, I have a new found respect for anybody who is brave enough to go out there and try and find a teaching job and actually succeed at it. I just want to do what I thought being a kindergarten teacher would be like when I was younger. I've wanted to be a teacher my whole life (whether it was my first choice, or in the back of my head), but not I don't know. And that's kind of scary. But I can't switch now. I have no idea what else I'd do. I'm not good at anything and I think it would probably kill my mother if I had to be at college for more than four years. She tells me at least once a day that I better graduate on time and get a job and be able to fend for myself. So here I am. Stuck and confused.
Oh well! I just have to try and keep my chin up and keep moving forward as unoriginal as that sounds. At least I have a life plan! I'm going to graduate from IUP in 2013, move to Philadelphia and hopefully find somewhere to live in Manayunk (where my brother lives currently) and find a job in one of the city schools. That's my plan but I just hope it's what I really want to do and I'm not missing something more important staring me right in the face. I guess we'll just have to wait and see!
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
