I can feel it in your kiss - it just gives me tender bliss

Today's song: Love by Matt White

I haven't been on here in quite a while. Going back and reading my past few entries makes me realize how much can change in such a small amount of time. I feel completely different than I did when I wrote my last entry...that's not to say it's a bad thing or I don't still care about the person I wrote about, I just realize now that it was one of those "not meant to happen" situations. And for once in my life, I can feel myself maturing and not throwing a fit about it. I'm at a good place in my life and I'm so happy to just be.
But back to what I started with, it's so strange seeing things changing so fast around me - whether they involve me or not. I'm not sure if I've written anything about it yet but my sister got engaged recently. Things like that, aren't they funny? One day he's just her boyfriend and she's just his girlfriend. They're living together, they love each other, that's all well and good. But then the next day comes and they have made a promise to each other...to make a promise to each other to spend the rest of their lives committed to one another. It's beautiful, isn't it?
I've also noticed more and more people posting picture of their new babies on Facebook, which personally I find very cheesy and useless but I digress. Still, it makes me stop for a minute and look at that baby's face - a chubby little combination of the love of his or her parents. That's probably the most drastic thing I can think of. Actually finding out you're pregnant is one thing, but I imagine one day having a giant belly and the next coming home with an entirely new human being, a piece of you, it must be such an extraordinary thing! I think that all the time when I see babies or hear about someone finding out they're pregnant. It must be so overwhelming, but I imagine it to be so in a way that is the most marvelously overwhelming feeling in the world. Like being in love!
Yet another funny instance of things changing quite suddenly. One day I was buying tequila that was on sale and getting very drunk with my best friend, the next thing I know I'm going out with my old crush and falling in love with him like I am fifteen all over again. Only this time it's wonderful. It's can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kind of stuff.  It's like nothing I've ever experienced before and it feels so good. It's making me appreciate what I have and it's teaching me to just be happy for what is. It's a huge change in my life and I'm so grateful and lucky to have it. It was so sudden and the feelings we exchanged were so rapidly decided but it is honestly the happiest I have ever felt in my twenty-one years. Not that I'm complaining about the speed or intensity of how it all happened though...it seems some of the greatest things humans can experience in life (i.e. falling in love, sharing that love with a child) can happen so quickly and change you so drastically. But that's why they're so great and fun, right?
Love,
Rachel

there isn't even a song...

Today, there isn't even a song. Any little thing I can think of that would usually make me feel better just isn't working anymore. Do you ever get that sinking feeling like everything you're doing is absolutely the opposite of what you should be doing and there's nothing you can possibly do to stop it? Like you're never good enough, you're never organized enough, you're never charming enough, you never have the right answers...that's how I feel today. I haven't felt this low in a long time. I actually can't remember any time I've felt this awful about myself. And I keep making these sad little attempts at making myself feel better and I keep getting shot down. And I can't even be upset about it anymore. I literally have no more tears to cry or fits to have. There's simply nothing. I'm more trouble than I'm worth, I think. I wish I could disappear.
And I'm sorry this is such a depressing and short post (although I bet nobody wants to read more of this) and it probably seems like I'm whining and maybe I am. But if you knew how I felt or the things I've heard lately, you'd agree with me that I have a right to whine. There's nobody I can say all of this out loud to, or even have a measly internet conversation about it with, but I needed to get it out somehow and I guess this is my way of doing that.
Love,
Rachel

nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time

Today's song: All You Need Is Love by The Beatles (duh!)

I don't know what's been going on with my lately but I've been having a lot of positive epiphany-like discoveries. It's not like they're some world changing, cure for cancer thoughts or anything but they're kind of a big deal for me I suppose.
I'm around people all day, everyday now with the job that I have. Dealing with parents in the morning, kids for eight hours, parents again in the late afternoon, and whoever I decide to spend my evenings and weekends with. There's always people around. I've always been one of the types to enjoy a good people watching session. I love sitting somewhere, like on a bench outside of a public place or wherever pretty much, and just watching people. Obviously not in the creepy way. But one thing that I'm guilty of (as well as my friends who also enjoy people watching) is being judgmental of the people I see. Instead of just watching and enjoying life happening around me, I'm looking at someone and instantly hating them for something they said or something they're wearing. It's so shallow. I have no idea who these people are! And yet I insist upon making these harsh judgments about them anyways. Quite often, I find myself and my friends saying "I hate people." as in, just in general, hating people for no good reason. It's meant to be a joke but I think sometimes we get carried away. And I don't just mean me and my group of friends. I mean everyone, everywhere.
I had a conversation last night with a good friend of mine about Woodstock...you know, the crazy hippy concert? Yes, that's the one. But he asked me if I knew what it was really meant to be about and after thinking about it for a minute, I had no good answer. He's pretty up on all the history of anything you could be wondering about so he lit up like a little kid on Christmas morning and proceeded to tell me all about it. Like that it was supposed to be about peace. For those few days that the music festival took place on, I guess everybody was just at peace with each other. Apparently the food vendors ran out of food at one point (the crowds weren't expected to be so large) and people had to share food with their neighbors and friends. And that's how they got by. According to my history buff friend, there were only two deaths but eighty births. Eighty! At a music festival! But the point of it was to spread peace and show the country that we could hold it together and we could have the power to love one another. What a beautiful thing that must have been.
I think we've lost a lot of that nowadays, myself being the first to admit it. I've always made fun of certain groups of people for doing things a certain way or for enjoying certain activities without even trying any of it myself or thinking that they just have a different mindset than I do...and that should be perfectly acceptable. To each his own!
Thanks for reading
Love,
Rachel

and baby, your love is gonna change me

Today's song: Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble

So far in my life, I've realized that I definitely read into things too much. Not all the time, but a good majority of it. As with most things in life, this can be both good and bad. About 90% of the time, I'd put it in the bad category but on days like today, I kind of like that about myself. I went to the YMCA to get my work out on (yay me!) and ran into this girl who has been friends with my brother since they were in grade school together...and that was forever ago. But we got to talking and were asking each other about how things are going, how's school, how's summer, are you dating anybody, etc. When I answered that last question with "No, I recently broke up with somebody", her face almost lit up and she responded with "No way! Me too! And I'm enjoying being single so much!" and I have to say, I admire her. Not that being in a loving relationship with somebody can be a wonderful, beautiful thing. Of course it can.

But ever since me and my ex-boyfriend broke up at the end of the school year, it's just been this awful negative thing looming over me. And if you tell anybody that you're just recently out of a relationship, you get the look. You know what I'm talking about - that sympathetic, almost patronizing look like "Ohhh you must be devastated". At first, yes of course I was devastated. But after a certain period of time, once you realize that maybe this just wasn't meant to be, you have to move on. And maybe thinking about being single as a positive thing is the way to go! 

I mean, why shouldn't being single be fun? Not that you have to slut yourself around town or anything along those lines, but we all deserve a little fun! A little flirting, a little "me" time. It's good for us all. And having hope. I usually hate that word because people overuse it and it's just thrown around in so many situations that it loses its power, kind of like love. I think it is important though - in every aspect of your life - including relationships. I truly believe that there is someone out there for everybody. It might take you years and years to find your other half, but I believe it will happen to everyone who is open to it. I think it's great to enjoy the single life, and to have hope for your future. It's not necessary to run out and find yourself your next relationship. But the dream of one is always a nice thing to have. It's like in You Got Mail when Meg Ryan's character realizes that her relationship isn't what it used to be and that both parties have fallen out of love with each other. It's a very adult breakup in my opinion and a great example of people being able to part ways without any animosity and I love it. But her (now ex) boyfriend asks her if there's someone else and she replies "No...but there is the dream of someone else". I love that line.

See what I mean about thinking too much into things? A simple conversation with someone can set me off on a life-advice rant. I just can't help myself though!

Thanks for reading

Love,

Rachel

p.s. I'll leave you with another quote, written by one of my favorite authors (Jane Austen), that I absolutely love. Perhaps it will provide you with your very own kind of hope for what you have waiting for you in your future..."There could have been no two hearts so open, no tastes so similar, no feelings so in unison, no countenances so beloved." 

we'll build a house of driftwood, keep it simple, simple is good

Today's song: Always Remember Me by Ry Cuming

I dreamt that I'd tell you,

I dreamt I'd convince you.

I dreamt you would love me

and I too would love you.

I dreamt of perfection,

a dream so romantic.

I dreamt you would smile

and carefully panic.

I dreamt you would hug me.

I dreamt we would both see,

together we're better -  

I dreamt you weren't choosy.

I dreamt up the ways

of how I could tell you.

I dreamt up bouquets

and a time and place too.

I dreamt that I told you.  

I dreamt that I could do.

I dreamt that it happened.  

I dreamt of a breakthrough.

instead i told you

at 3am drunk on facebook

and i took it back the next morning

Thanks for reading

Love,

Rachel

as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs and sit alone and wonder how you're making out

Today's song: Screaming Infidelities by Dashboard Confessional

Fuck everything and fuck everyone. I just want one thing to go right. Is that too much to ask? It really must be. I want people to stop being so awful. Myself included. I don't get what it is about people and their emotions but it's just fucking insane. We should just think with our heads and make decisions based on facts and concrete information. Things would be so much easier that way and nobody's feelings would ever get hurt. I can't even describe it right now. I just can't get the words to come out. I don't know if I'm denying what I want to say or if I really am confused about it. I'm so angry.

And even as I typed all of that I know it's not even me typing it. It's like my schizophrenic other personality or something (I'm not really schizophrenic, throwing that out there). I should probably name her because every once in a while she comes out and I'm practically a black hole of hate that sucks everything in that crosses my path. I'm going to call her Rosalie. She's sometimes a real bitch and sometimes really angry and just makes everything impossible. She sometimes comes out when I'm drunk, too. Rosalie sounds like a bitchy enough name right?

If you've ever read White Girl Problems by Babe Walker, you know exactly what I'm talking about with this crazy other side of myself that comes out and ruins things for me. She says things that are just absurd and not at all how I really feel but she'll say them anyways. She likes to express every mean thought I've ever tried to hold inside myself. She's jealous of every happiness other people have. She makes me think of all the negatives in my life. She makes me sound selfish and needy and rude and terrible. I wish there was an easier way of explaining Rosalie but there really isn't. It's like I can't stop her from happening. And I (Rachel) have to deal with the repercussions of her actions and words once she's done hurricane-ing through town and wrecking everything possible. 

If you have or ever do come into contact with her, all I can say is that I'm sorry. 

Thanks for reading

Love,

Rosalie

we'll find somewhere the streets are paved with gold

Today's song: U.F.O. by Coldplay

Alright, seriously. Listen to that song and you will be happy for days. I just got back from a weekend in Philadelphia with my family and listened to Coldplay all the way home (about six wonderful hours). Even through my dad's terrible driving aka near death experiences, my mother's complaining about said near death experiences, and their World War III over who should pick the radio station, I was happy because I was in the back seat, jamming to the best band in the entire world.
I love long car rides which may seem kind of strange considering I have recently been extremely prone to motion sickness. But once we get started and I know I just have hours and hours ahead of me to think about nothing or everything and anything, I get this calm feeling and I'm so simply happy. I love sitting in the back seat of my family's mini van, by myself listening to music and looking out the window at the world passing us by. I don't really understand why people are always complaining about taking long trips like that. Even when we drive to Chicago to visit our relatives and we're in the car for so many hours it's insane, I still have such a good time. I can't really put a finger on it but I think it's a mixture of getting to be on the road traveling to somewhere other than home, listening to all my favorite music and just having some time all to myself. Although don't get me wrong, I love road trips with my friends because they're full of laughs and terrible singing and speeding down the highway without a care in the world. I love going anywhere really. I could be traveling to the middle of nowhere for nothing all that important and I'd still have so much fun doing it.
Actually on our way to Philly, we didn't leave till around 6:30pm so we were driving in the sunset/dark most of the time. We were right in the mountains when the sun started setting and it was really one of those moments that takes your breath away. I don't mean to sound like some tree-hugging nature freak but it really made me glad to just be alive and doing something. I don't know, I just felt so lucky to be living under that beautiful sky. As it got darker, we were out in the middle of nowhere where you could clearly see all the stars in the sky. It made me think of those cheesy lines in movies when some couple is in love but in different locations and they always say something like "We're still under the same sky" or that "We're looking at the same moon" kind of thing. It just got me thinking, how absolutely magical that is. I mean, think of all the people out there in the entire world, and we're all under the same sky. If I was one of those couples who was trying the whole long distance thing, I feel like that would be so comforting. No matter how far away you are - different cities, different states, different countries, different continents - it's all under the same sky. I don't know why that thought is so stuck in my head, but I'm in love with the idea. It seems so romantic.
Thanks for reading
Love,
Rachel