as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs and sit alone and wonder how you're making out

Today's song: Screaming Infidelities by Dashboard Confessional

Fuck everything and fuck everyone. I just want one thing to go right. Is that too much to ask? It really must be. I want people to stop being so awful. Myself included. I don't get what it is about people and their emotions but it's just fucking insane. We should just think with our heads and make decisions based on facts and concrete information. Things would be so much easier that way and nobody's feelings would ever get hurt. I can't even describe it right now. I just can't get the words to come out. I don't know if I'm denying what I want to say or if I really am confused about it. I'm so angry.

And even as I typed all of that I know it's not even me typing it. It's like my schizophrenic other personality or something (I'm not really schizophrenic, throwing that out there). I should probably name her because every once in a while she comes out and I'm practically a black hole of hate that sucks everything in that crosses my path. I'm going to call her Rosalie. She's sometimes a real bitch and sometimes really angry and just makes everything impossible. She sometimes comes out when I'm drunk, too. Rosalie sounds like a bitchy enough name right?

If you've ever read White Girl Problems by Babe Walker, you know exactly what I'm talking about with this crazy other side of myself that comes out and ruins things for me. She says things that are just absurd and not at all how I really feel but she'll say them anyways. She likes to express every mean thought I've ever tried to hold inside myself. She's jealous of every happiness other people have. She makes me think of all the negatives in my life. She makes me sound selfish and needy and rude and terrible. I wish there was an easier way of explaining Rosalie but there really isn't. It's like I can't stop her from happening. And I (Rachel) have to deal with the repercussions of her actions and words once she's done hurricane-ing through town and wrecking everything possible. 

If you have or ever do come into contact with her, all I can say is that I'm sorry. 

Thanks for reading

Love,

Rosalie