Today's song: First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes
I went for my usual run today, but instead of listening to music that would make someone want to exercise or "pump you up", I played my "RunCalm" playlist. It's a mix I made a few months ago when I was upset about something so as it turns out, it's also a pretty decent playlist if you just want to sit around and mope about how sad (but not really) your life is. I woke up and did a lot today and after all of it, I didn't really feel like exercising. I felt calm and finally organized and at home. It was a good feeling. But that little voice in the back of my head telling me I need to get in shape kept bothering me so I threw on my sneakers and headed outside. As I'm running along, listening to all my sad songs, I started to think. Of course.
You know what I hate? Being punished for something that was said in the past. It's so obnoxious in my opinion. If someone were to ask you how you're feeling one day, and you say, I don't know, that you're feeling miserable about something you did. Then a period of time passes and the same person asks you how you're feeling and you say that you're doing a lot better and you're happy as can be. But then that person tells you that you can't be happy now because you used to be miserable. That's the kind of hypothetical situation I'm talking about. How unfair is that? And it's not even logical. When you ask a person how they're feeling about something or tell them that you care enough to sit there and listen to whatever it is that he or she may have to say, that person will fall for it and believe that you really care. So don't throw it back in their face. That throws off the whole balance of things and makes the person with all the feelings (that were supposed to be kept private in the first place) feel miserable and pathetic. I'm one of those girls who is kind of guarded about her feelings. I don't like confrontation (good or bad), I don't like sharing things, I don't like talking about feelings. But if a situation arises and I decide that maybe there is a person I can trust with my feelings, a person who I trust won't judge me for them, a person who I believe to be the right person to share everything with, I'll go ahead and share. CLEARLY I have a shit ton of feelings that I don't talk about with actual people. If you've been reading this blog, you know this about me. I tend to change my mind a lot, which infuriates me so I could only imagine how it would make someone else feel. But when you're the one who wanted to break down my protective walls and you're the one who was always asking me how I felt, why is it now such a negative thing? Why do I feel so stupid about it no matter how many times you tell me I shouldn't? Why can't thinks just go back to the way they used to be? I really want them to. I'd do anything to just have a little bit of how it used to be.
It was a long run, thinking about all of this. I ran almost double the distance I usually do which I guess is good. But the whole time I probably looked like some nutcase shaking my head at myself and furrowing my brow, lost in thought. I feel much better getting that off my chest...I guess even if nobody is reading, this blog is good for something!
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
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