Today, there isn't even a song. Any little thing I can think of that would usually make me feel better just isn't working anymore. Do you ever get that sinking feeling like everything you're doing is absolutely the opposite of what you should be doing and there's nothing you can possibly do to stop it? Like you're never good enough, you're never organized enough, you're never charming enough, you never have the right answers...that's how I feel today. I haven't felt this low in a long time. I actually can't remember any time I've felt this awful about myself. And I keep making these sad little attempts at making myself feel better and I keep getting shot down. And I can't even be upset about it anymore. I literally have no more tears to cry or fits to have. There's simply nothing. I'm more trouble than I'm worth, I think. I wish I could disappear.
And I'm sorry this is such a depressing and short post (although I bet nobody wants to read more of this) and it probably seems like I'm whining and maybe I am. But if you knew how I felt or the things I've heard lately, you'd agree with me that I have a right to whine. There's nobody I can say all of this out loud to, or even have a measly internet conversation about it with, but I needed to get it out somehow and I guess this is my way of doing that.
Love,
Rachel
