i started looking for a warning sign

I'm not sure why exactly but recently my mind hasn't been on anything normal. For instance, the last few posts (including this one) were about someone or something that has reminded me of someone and it's not even just one person, it's multiple people. But that's all I've been thinking about. It seems like every night for the past week or so I just sit here and think about different people and whatnot. I apologize to any readers who are more used to me babbling about things like clothing or nail polish colors or decorating a room - any normal, more general topics. I just seem to be in a kind of funk I guess. Not a bad one exactly but just a funk.

This evening's thoughts went to things I've done that I strongly had a feeling I would somewhat regret and I turned out to be precisely correct. I hate that. I'm not sure if you have ever done anything like that and been so extremely disappointed when that tiniest glimmer of hope was crushed by the outcome. There's plenty of situations it can happen with so I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about. But it's like a strange bad habit I have. I can't help it though...it's like a force inside me that I can't stop. I don't know. I feel like sometimes you just want something or someone so badly or you want something to happen so badly that you're willing to try whatever to get to that end. Even though in the back of your head you know there's a 95% chance things are just going to lamely pan out or backfire right in your face, you go for it anyways. Which is really just stupid and upsetting to even think about. It's like every time I tell myself that I won't do it again, some situation arises and there I am again - faced with my bad habit and a sort of inevitable disappointment. It's a vicious cycle of sorts. I start to think with each one of these things that perhaps just this once with this one thing it will work out in my favor...and then POOF! There it goes again. I was wrong.

But what if everybody who's like me and felt compelled to try and try again in these seemingly unavoidable situations stopped trying? What if all us dreamers stopped dreaming? Sounds slightly cheesy, but you know what I mean. Sometimes I think I might just give up on whatever but then that next something or someone come along and there it goes again. But if I didn't keep trying then eventually I would miss out on something, whatever it may be, and then what? That wouldn't be a good ending to the story either. So what to do? Keep trying or let it all go? I like to think I believe in the whole "if it's meant to be, it will be" theory but sometimes it gets hard deciphering between letting it be and doing what you think you should do to go with that flow. Where do you draw the line between pushing and shoving things and just riding the currents? There's too many questions that don't really have an answer I guess but it's just what was on my mind.

Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel

come as you are, as you were, as i want you to be

Gosh, don't you just absolutely love music? Ever since the iPod was invented, I feel like everyone and their mother says something along the lines of "oh em gee music is my life" or "I can't live without my music" etc...etc. But as cheesy as it sounds, it's true. Alright, alright maybe I wouldn't actually keel over and die if I didn't have music to listen to every single day, but my life would be agonizingly boring. I love listening to music. I love the way certain melodies and voices can remind you of a time or place, sad or happy. My friend Maeve and I always notify each other of when we hear songs that remind us of something...Goo Goo Dolls for sophomore year of high school and crew races at Lake Arthur, Coldplay for the colder months of the year, the "apple pie song" for the summer she could drive us places, you get the idea. You hear a certain song and something hits you like a ton of bricks. I don't even mind music that makes me sad and mopey. Sometimes you just need that right? Yes. For instance, my favorite song in the entire world is The Scientist by Coldplay. I could listen to it at any time of day, any day of the year, no matter what mood I am in...and that will be true for the rest of my life. I've had numerous experiences attached to that song ranging from being younger and hearing my sister play it on an actual CD and not knowing what it was to listening to it live at their concert to listening to the guy I was currently infatuated with play it on the piano. But each time I listen to it, while all those memories come flooding back, I always get something new from it. And I love that about it.

Anyways, the title of this post is from the song Come As You Are by Nirvana. Now I'll admit, I had never really been a fan of Nirvana or Kurt Cobain up until today. And I am officially obsessed. I was watching the movie Definitely Maybe (one of my favorites! mm'mm Ryan Reynolds) and the main character Will Hayes and the love of his life April listen to it right before their first kiss. Every single time I watch the movie I always tell myself I must download that song because it is so perfect. It's slow and a little weird but for some reason has this way of putting you in a certain mood. It's just like...it's one of those most perfect songs. I love the lyrics...before they start talking about not having a gun (not really my scene) but the "come as you are, as you were...", that's good. So I loved this song so much, I took it upon myself to download the entire album and let me tell you something! It is the most beautiful mix of Cobain's sexy raspy voice, chillingly good lyrics and some pretty kick ass instrumental solos. I'm not usually one for the whole "grunge" rock thing but this is simply too good not to love. Let's get serious here, who is not drooling just looking at this picture?

So good. That about sums it up I think. I started downloading Nevermind from 1991 today...perhaps tomorrow I'll take another step back and get their 1989 album Bleach and work my way forward from there. I found this pretty awesome website...seems to be some pretty knowledgeable fans that created it but I learned a lot about the band and the godly Cobain.
Nirvana Obsessed
If you're as curious as I was, you can probably be on there for a pretty substantial period of time just looking around and seeing what they were all about. I don't know, it just kind of made my day and I love every single song so far and it got me thinking about music in general. So babbling away I decided was extremely appropriate! Hope you venture into the land of the "flagship band of Generation X"...it's a good place to be, believe me. Oh and if you're looking for something real chill, watch the video for Come As You Are. As one of the YouTube commenters stated ever so truly, "it's like one big awesome trip".

Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel

i love you more than songs can say, but i can't keep running after yesterday

It's almost 2 o' clock in the morning right now and although I should be studying for my geography test tomorrow, I am blogging instead. I haven't been on here in a while and I guess it's just because school and everything is taking over my life a bit. I'm trying to get back on track and keep all my goals in mind as days go on and on. Starting this week I'm adding a new goal - no more junk food. I mean, not totally completely getting rid of every single sugary thing I love but just trying to rid myself of greasy gross fast food-type food. Kind of a difficult task to do while in college and not having a lot of moola but we'll see how it goes.

The real reason for writing this post is because just a moment or two ago, I was wasting time on Facebook (how unusual, I know) and it came up on the little chat thing that this one friend of mine was online. This particular friend got me to thinking about the past I had with them and how much I miss them. Instead of sketchily referring to this person as a "they/them" I'm going to come right out and admit that it is a boy. Anyways, I clicked on this boy's name, thinking maybe I'd talk to him...we haven't talked in what seems like way too long a period of time and it made me a bit sad. But when I tried to think of something to say, I had nothing. I had nothing that I could actually SAY. I mean, I have a lot to say to him because he meant...er...means a lot to me but I would never actually tell him that anymore. It just seems kind of goofy and out of place now. The whole situation with this particular boy was kind of weird to start out with, but I seem to be prone to finding myself in weird situations so it was perfectly fitting for a girl like me, always wanting something  I can't really have. Anyways, I wanted to say all these things to him, but couldn't even work up the courage to say hello. So I thought maybe I could just blog something to him and he'd never even know. Which is fine. It's just one of those times when I really really really miss this person and want to talk to him so badly like we used to. But seeing as how I don't think that will happen, here I am. If you don't want to read this all,  that's perfectly understandable. It's kind of depressing but I just feel like doing it. So...

Dear so-and-so,

I miss you. It's such a stupidly cliched thing to say, but I can't help it. I think about you all the time still even though it's been a pretty long time since we've talked like we used to. I see something while walking to class or eating a meal that reminds me of something funny you said or we talked about. Like yesterday, I saw a sign that had an advertisement for I don't even remember what, but it had this name on it that you used to call me all the time and it made me stop and think for a second. I don't know....all these little random kinds of things keep popping up lately and it's heart breaking. I miss talking to you every day so so much sometimes it hurts. That sounds pathetic. But I got so used to telling you about my day even if it was boring. You'd find some way to make a joke or tell me how pretty I am and I'd laugh and feel better. It was like I actually meant something to someone (however conceited that explanation may have come out). You made me feel good. Every time I talked to you, it's like you really knew exactly what I wanted to hear. It's like someone had sent you to me to be that absolutely perfect person who totally one hundred percent understood everything about me and didn't judge or dislike any part of it. But I suppose I was wrong about that last part. There had to have been something...I don't know if one day I just did something or said something that made you dislike me in such a way that we stopped talking completely. And that's the worst part of this whole thing. As I said before, the situation with us was weird to begin with and it was difficult to deal with, but now that it's all over, I realize that I would have dealt with it if you had wanted to. But I guess you didn't. A part of me still would. And still wants to. And that's terrible because everyone says how you should forget the past sometimes and live in the present. But what if you miss someone so much that you feel like you really are missing out on something that was so perfect and "meant to be"...I guess it's not really meant to be then. But you know what I mean, because you always did. I remember when we were still talking and it was super late one night and we had been talking for hours (which I usually can't do with boys) about pretty much nothing of any importance, but I just remember sitting there afterwards thinking that I knew something nobody else did. I loved you. I had never been more sure of anything in my life before than at that moment. And I never ever thought in a million years I would admit that to anybody or be posting it on the Internet. But seeing as how nobody really knows who I'm talking about, and nobody ever will, I think it's alright. I did though. Maybe I still do a little bit. I think this because there's a big part of me that I know would drop everything just to go back to a single one of those late night conversations and freeze time. You were so good to me. I just miss that. You were a constant good aspect of my life for a while there. And now......it's all over and I don't know how you're doing or how's school or how your family is or if you ever think about me like I think about you. For all I know, this is absolutely insane and you never felt even the slightest same feelings as I did but I don't care. It doesn't really matter too much, does it? I just don't know where I went wrong. Maybe you found someone else who suited you better and the situation wouldn't have to be weird like ours. That wouldn't surprise me. But I would have waited for you. Just so you know, I really would have. I think I should wrap this up now. It's depressing and it'll never reach you anyways so it's a little bit pointless I guess.

All my love,
(Thanks for reading, readers),
Rachel