It's almost 2 o' clock in the morning right now and although I should be studying for my geography test tomorrow, I am blogging instead. I haven't been on here in a while and I guess it's just because school and everything is taking over my life a bit. I'm trying to get back on track and keep all my goals in mind as days go on and on. Starting this week I'm adding a new goal - no more junk food. I mean, not totally completely getting rid of every single sugary thing I love but just trying to rid myself of greasy gross fast food-type food. Kind of a difficult task to do while in college and not having a lot of moola but we'll see how it goes.
The real reason for writing this post is because just a moment or two ago, I was wasting time on Facebook (how unusual, I know) and it came up on the little chat thing that this one friend of mine was online. This particular friend got me to thinking about the past I had with them and how much I miss them. Instead of sketchily referring to this person as a "they/them" I'm going to come right out and admit that it is a boy. Anyways, I clicked on this boy's name, thinking maybe I'd talk to him...we haven't talked in what seems like way too long a period of time and it made me a bit sad. But when I tried to think of something to say, I had nothing. I had nothing that I could actually SAY. I mean, I have a lot to say to him because he meant...er...means a lot to me but I would never actually tell him that anymore. It just seems kind of goofy and out of place now. The whole situation with this particular boy was kind of weird to start out with, but I seem to be prone to finding myself in weird situations so it was perfectly fitting for a girl like me, always wanting something I can't really have. Anyways, I wanted to say all these things to him, but couldn't even work up the courage to say hello. So I thought maybe I could just blog something to him and he'd never even know. Which is fine. It's just one of those times when I really really really miss this person and want to talk to him so badly like we used to. But seeing as how I don't think that will happen, here I am. If you don't want to read this all, that's perfectly understandable. It's kind of depressing but I just feel like doing it. So...
Dear so-and-so,
I miss you. It's such a stupidly cliched thing to say, but I can't help it. I think about you all the time still even though it's been a pretty long time since we've talked like we used to. I see something while walking to class or eating a meal that reminds me of something funny you said or we talked about. Like yesterday, I saw a sign that had an advertisement for I don't even remember what, but it had this name on it that you used to call me all the time and it made me stop and think for a second. I don't know....all these little random kinds of things keep popping up lately and it's heart breaking. I miss talking to you every day so so much sometimes it hurts. That sounds pathetic. But I got so used to telling you about my day even if it was boring. You'd find some way to make a joke or tell me how pretty I am and I'd laugh and feel better. It was like I actually meant something to someone (however conceited that explanation may have come out). You made me feel good. Every time I talked to you, it's like you really knew exactly what I wanted to hear. It's like someone had sent you to me to be that absolutely perfect person who totally one hundred percent understood everything about me and didn't judge or dislike any part of it. But I suppose I was wrong about that last part. There had to have been something...I don't know if one day I just did something or said something that made you dislike me in such a way that we stopped talking completely. And that's the worst part of this whole thing. As I said before, the situation with us was weird to begin with and it was difficult to deal with, but now that it's all over, I realize that I would have dealt with it if you had wanted to. But I guess you didn't. A part of me still would. And still wants to. And that's terrible because everyone says how you should forget the past sometimes and live in the present. But what if you miss someone so much that you feel like you really are missing out on something that was so perfect and "meant to be"...I guess it's not really meant to be then. But you know what I mean, because you always did. I remember when we were still talking and it was super late one night and we had been talking for hours (which I usually can't do with boys) about pretty much nothing of any importance, but I just remember sitting there afterwards thinking that I knew something nobody else did. I loved you. I had never been more sure of anything in my life before than at that moment. And I never ever thought in a million years I would admit that to anybody or be posting it on the Internet. But seeing as how nobody really knows who I'm talking about, and nobody ever will, I think it's alright. I did though. Maybe I still do a little bit. I think this because there's a big part of me that I know would drop everything just to go back to a single one of those late night conversations and freeze time. You were so good to me. I just miss that. You were a constant good aspect of my life for a while there. And now......it's all over and I don't know how you're doing or how's school or how your family is or if you ever think about me like I think about you. For all I know, this is absolutely insane and you never felt even the slightest same feelings as I did but I don't care. It doesn't really matter too much, does it? I just don't know where I went wrong. Maybe you found someone else who suited you better and the situation wouldn't have to be weird like ours. That wouldn't surprise me. But I would have waited for you. Just so you know, I really would have. I think I should wrap this up now. It's depressing and it'll never reach you anyways so it's a little bit pointless I guess.
All my love,
(Thanks for reading, readers),
Rachel
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