a picture of you, holding a picture of me in the pocket of my blue jeans

Don't you sometimes wish your life could be like a movie? I think we've all been there. Something goes wrong and you stop and thing "If this was a movie..." And the outcome always seems better than what happens in real life. You lose your job in a movie, you meet the love of your life on the subway ride home. You lose your job in real life, you're unemployed, eating Ramen Noodles for the next few months. You get dumped in a movie, you bury yourself in Kleenex for a day...but meet Prince Charming the next day. You get dumped in real life, you bury yourself in Kleenex for...let's not lie...weeks, while your self-esteem hits an all new low. Your husband dies of a terrible disease in a movie, you get sent mysterious letters from him and eventually fall in love with his old friend from back home (sound familiar?). Your husband dies of a terrible disease in real life, you're not only depressed but also weighed down with debt from the hospital. I think you get the point. Either way, real life is never like a movie. No matter how much we fantasize about things or daydream about the maybe's and what if's, real life is going to be real life. Things are difficult, right? Right. My good friend and I used to have this thing called SUPERGREATSTORYTIME back in high school. We'd write notes back and forth during the school day, talk about it over the phone, email segments of it to each other, etc. Let's just say it consumed a LOT of our time. But it was so fun! We could dream up practically any cheesy, lovey-dovey scenerio, sometimes with real characters, sometimes with fake personas of people we met once or twice. But for that glorious moment when we'd sink our teeth into a new chunk of story, we could really be those characters. What ever we wanted to happen, we could easily make happen with the stroke of a pen or a flutter across the keyboard. I think we both enjoyed making up new stories and situations but I think what we loved most about it was that in that moment, we could almost feel what it would be like to have those movie moments...those moments that were absolutely magical.
Every once and a while I like to think they show themselves in real life. Said friend was just telling me about her life and experiences with a certain guy and even though she was in the midst of telling me this story because she was upset with him, I could feel a sense of excitement within myself, wanting to hear what would happen next in the trail of events! He took you on your first date? "What happened!" He met your Dad? "How was that!" You finally decided to make it official? "Awwww!" You had an argument that led to a make out sesh? "OMG tell me more!" Although we all may feel silly admitting it, we all love hearing about those juicy moments that may lead to some kind of dramatic climax in the story.
Personally, I think it's healthy to imagine yourself in those movie moments. Even if that's not exactly how things work out in reality, it can still make you laugh or simply bring happiness to you - just by imagining. There's a reason writers and directors and actors spend millions of dollars and put in hours upon hours or work - so that people can escape reality and see themselves in the story...so that people don't lose that childlike sense of imagination...so that people are able to come back to real life and maybe not take things too seriously.

Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel

p.s. - Speaking of movies, I am a huge fan of movie soundtracks. If you are at all the same way, please go listen to Ray Lamontagne's album titled "Trouble"...I'm not even sure if any of these songs are in any movie soundtracks but they are all absolutely beautiful and have always reminded me of melodies you'd hear playing the background of a sappy love scene haha

But something told me to run and honey you know me, it's all or none

You know, I never imagined myself being on of those girls who changes her mind every five minutes about things that actually matter. I suppose I have still dodged that bullet but I've become someone who is more flakey than I want to be. Or maybe I'm just having an off day...I don't know! I woke up this morning with a very odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not that I felt like I was going to toss my cookies or anything, but just that something was different. And I can feel myself changing my mind on something that is very important to me. Or was? See?! Now I don't know.
I've always been one to change my mind a lot. I'm not very good at judging people when I first meet them. Not judging them, but assessing whether or not I like them or whatever. A lot of people that I originally did not like very much, sometimes even thought I hated, turned out to be people that I care more for than anything else in the world. So as it turns out, I can't really trust my gut instinct.
Even the petty small things like....I used to hate pickles. And Indian food. But then I went on a pickle binge about three or four years ago and now I love them! Same thing with Indian food...little things like changing my taste in food seem so easy to get over. It's not a big deal that you suddenly don't mind chomping away on a vinegar-y cucumber.
BUT THIS! This is a big deal! What am I supposed to do now that my mind is reeling and I suddenly feel like I've been wasting all this time? Literally just when everything was really going perfectly...and I mean perfectly I wake up feeling like this. UGHHHHHH I could scream! Why can't our minds just stay the way they are, thinking about things one way and sticking to it. That would make life so simple and easy. That's all I want. And I know yes, "life isn't fair" YADA YADA YADA but could it just be this one time? Just for the next couple months, can all the stars align and all that crap and things just work out? Can I please have one carefree summer? No.
I apologize, this wasn't very much of a babble, it was more of an angry rant than anything else.

Thanks for reading (though) :)
Love,
Rachel

p.s. listen to a song called "Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins. awesome!

she gives me love, love, love, love, crazy love

It's pretty late at night currently...early morning actually and the thunder outside happens to be shaking my windows and making me quite nervous. I can't sleep at all so I thought I'd babble about my fabulous evening! My sister, Mother and I got tickets to see Michael Buble in concert...AH.MAY.ZING. There are no words to even try and begin to explain how good it was. He sounds just like (if not better) he does in his recorded music. His live band was so awesome to get to see actually performing. Speaking of live bands, this pretty sweet group called Natually 7 opened for Michael. They're a group made up of seven guys, no instruments.

There they are! I have to admit, I have a major crush on the bass "instrument" and bass singer, Hops (front row, third from the left). Such a shame, he's married! But he even loves Coldplay as I learned from reading an interview with him so he gets major brownie points for that. (Funny fact: the interviewer asked Hops "who is your favorite character from the Bible?"...like the Bible is some fictional story with characters and story plots...) But anyways, they seemed pretty strange at first and it was kind of weird that they were touring with Michael Buble but then they started singing and doing their thing and it was understandable. They use absolutely no instruments - they make all the sound themselves! Even my Mother leaned over at one point and said that she thought the really low bass-like beat must be coming from an instrument or something somewhere backstage, but sure enough when the group performed what they call a "sound wall", it was obvious that the noise was Hops! Love him! They were just really cool though...kind of a mix between a cappella and R&B and beat boxing. 

(Did you know this guy wanted to BE Michael Jackson when he was younger?! LOL)

So back to Michael! My Mother had told me from when she and my aunt had gone to see him in Chicago that he was very interactive with his audience and for lack of a better word, a smartass. And he totally was! But it made the concert that much more fun. He's really talented and his sense of humor is unsuspected but had everybody laughing. This was one of those concerts that you can go to and really learn to appreciate music all over again. Like when your favorite song comes on and each time you hear it, it gives you something different. Or when a certain note is played and a certain line is sung and you get the goosebumps just listening to it all. I love that feeling. I like seeing other people enjoy something so much too...there was a girl turning thirteen down in the first few rows holding a poster that said something along the lines of "IT'S MY THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY! CAN I HAVE A KISS?" and Michael let her come up to the stage and take a picture and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She was bawling her eyes out she was so happy. And yeah, sometimes people go crazy for famous people, but it was actually genuinely a sweet moment and you could tell that it probably made her day...or life to have done that. There were also two couples sitting a few rows in front of us that my Mother and I kept laughing about. The one was a bit older, seemed to have been together for a while...the man came in, sat there the whole time drinking his beer, not dancing or singing or having fun with his date. She kept getting up with everyone else and dancing and whatnot and he just sat there looking so bored to death. But then there was probably one of the cutest couples I have ever seen just a few seats down from them. Now I know Michael Buble isn't exactly something most guys would put on their iPod and bop around town listening to. But this couple...the girl would get up and dance and lucky for her, her guy would follow right along (sometimes even initiating it...whoahhhh!). Michael sang Twist and Shout like in Ferris Bueller's Day Off and this guy was up there shaking his butt, totally making a fool of himself but having fun with his girl. It was the cutest thing! You could just tell they were having fun and loving being there together. It was such a stark contrast from the older couple. Anyways, I just like that the simple act of going to a concert can bring that much happiness to people. I know we all had a great time and it will be a great memory to have for the rest of my life, just as it will be for that happy couple, the thirteen year old, and all those crazy middle-aged women dancing like crazy in the front row.

Thanks for reading :)

Love,

Rachel

...and as you go i will spread my wings

I have recently become obsessed with a poet who goes by the name of Pablo Neruda. Since last summer, I've been collecting his poems in my bookmarks which I usually find on StumbleUpon by chance. Every once and a while I like to go through them and read all of them. I'm not really one of those "deep" people who sits there and mulls over a poem, stanza by stanza, line by line trying to uncover some profound meaning within the words. And that is exactly why I love Pablo so much - he uses simple words and ideas to get his point across. They're not muddled up with complicated vocabulary or weird unnecessary formatting - it's just simple. Beautiful, even. Most of them are about love and his mushy feelings towards some lucky girl out there. But he has a funny side too - poems that go under the category of "Ode To..." ranging from Ode To The Onion all the way to Ode To a Large Tuna in the Market. I have to say though, one of my favorite poems by Pablo is titled "Your Feet". For everybody that knows me, this may come as a very extreme surprise. I have an intense foot phobia and can't even stand the sight of them much less a poem written all about them. But it's just so simple and darling, I can't help but love reading it...

When I cannot look at your face 
I look at your feet. 

Your feet of arched bone, 

your hard little feet. 

I know that they support you, 

and that your sweet weight 

rises upon them. 

Your waist and your breasts, 

the doubled purple 

of your nipples, 

the sockets of your eyes 

that have just flown away, 

your wide fruit mouth, 

your red tresses, 

my little tower. 

But I love your feet 

only because they walked 

upon the earth and upon 

the wind and upon the waters, 

until they found me.

Wasn't it wonderful? I especially like the last sentence starting with "But I love your feet..." which I never thought I'd catch myself saying! It's lovey-dovey, yes, but just enough to not be annoying. Anywho, I like poetry. Sometimes I wish I could be so talented as to write it myself but then I think it might just be one of those things that for me, writing it would take the fun out of it. Not to sound like some insightful cheeseball, but it would take some of the mystery out of it. Like who is the author writing to? Anybody? Or perhaps it's just like John Mayer's "Love Song for No One" and it isn't being written for anybody. Or (especially Pablo) why the heck was he writing odes to vegetables? There's just something about poetry that isn't as obvious as a book or newspaper article. There is something about it that makes it funner (yes, I know it's not a word) not knowing where it's going to end up or what the author meant by it. I find it ridiculously annoying that while learning about poetry in school, teachers always seem to try and dissect it word by word, searching for that "deep" meaning. But what if it isn't there? What if the author just wanted to say how he loved someone's feet simply because they brought her to him? It's nothing more, nothing less than that. There is no way a teacher can get inside an author's head and drill him or her on what they have written. There is no right or wrong answer. I think the poem can be taken for what it is by each individual reader and that's not something that can be graded. While it is important to teach what poems are and how there are many different ways to write them, it is unnecessary to try and turn them into an exam.



Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel

bartender please, fill my glass for me

AH! It has been forever. A lot has been going on since my last post! I finally found myself a very unexpected job that I absolutely love. I randomly came across and ad on CraigsList for a vague job at a cafe in Sewickley. It said they didn't need anybody for summer work but I decided, what do I have to lose and emailed back. I was so excited to see that the owner emailed me back and told me to come in to fill out an application! I had an "interview" on the spot (and by interview I mean casual chat with the owner) and found out I got the job. I cannot even express to you how excited I was since I applied to about twenty places, half of which I would have probably died of annoyance and hatred at. Anyways, the name of my new place of employment is Cafe des Amis. It's this adorable little French cafe hidden away in an alley that not too many people would know about. But it's great working there. I didn't think I would actually be in the kitchen, cooking or anything like that but as it turns out, I am! I learned how to make crepes within the first half hour of work and apparently I'm a natural at it (which is extremely shocking considering I can barely flip a pancake properly). I'm also really good with a knife...good or bad thing I'm not completely sure? But each day that I've worked there I learn something new whether it be about running a restaurant or cooking food or whatever it may be - it's been exciting! I feel like such a dork using so many exclamation points but oh well....!!!!!!!!!! I've finally found a job that I don't hate going to which is a lovely change from my last two experiences.

I have to say, my favorite part of my job so far is making the crepes. Yummy! I even for some reason get a kick out of making the giant tub of batter. But it's just so fun! I remember in my senior year of high school, I got the idea to work at a bakery and someday work up to having my own place. I told my Mother about it and she doesn't think I have the dedication to wake up at 5am to cook food every day...or maybe she just doesn't think I can do it. Period. Either way, I really wish I could have gone to school for that. I found a school back in high school and got the pamphlet and application and everything and was so excited. Sadly though, my Mother thought I should at least go to "real school" first and then decide if that is really what I want to do and maybe I could go to cooking school later down the road. The problem with wanting to own my own place would be that I have no business experience whatsoever. I really should have been a business major or something along those lines if I had really wanted to do this and then go to cooking school after I graduated. Sometimes I feel very out of place in my major...I get the feeling it isn't really what I was meant to do every once and a while and I just get this horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just can't shake. I feel like if I were to switch majors at this point, my Mother would be disappointed and I would have wasted two entire years of classes and projects and work...all for nothing. Although teaching is something that can allow me to have a huge impact in the world. Yes, yes I know what you're thinking. Oh no, Rachel is losing it and is turning into one of those loons who goes around town blabbing about how they want to save the world and yada yada yada. But I just get the feeling that I should go DO something all on my own. I really would like to go on some kind of mission trip...it doesn't have to be religious really because sometimes, especially if visiting a third world country or anything like that, I feel like whatever religion the volunteers are is getting pushed on the native people and that just isn't what I want to do. Anyways, the people that I know who have done these kinds of things have always had positive things to say. I have never heard a bad story or complaint about it and I would really love to try it. If it doesn't work out and I hate it, I can still be doing something meaningful with my time instead of sitting around in a big air conditioned house, going shopping or hanging out with friends all summer long. Just something I've been thinking about I guess. There's just too many opportunities out there that I would be so grateful to be able to take part in and sometimes it just feels like the world is passing me by and all my friends have these great big plans and have goals and dreams to accomplish and live out...I just want to do something. Start to end, by myself, selflessly. Is that too much to ask? Gosh, going from my new summer job at a cafe in a small town seems really lame compared to where this babble session ended up going, doesn't it?

Thanks for reading :)

Love,

Rachel

p.s. - It's summertime! Go take some time to yourself and hang out with DMB, my most favorite summer band (which I know doesn't seem to make sense, but listening to his music seems strange to me any other season of the year).

Baby, you are gonna miss that plane

It's been a while...but alas, here I am!

If you haven't seen the next two movies I am going to tell you about, you need to see ASAP (but watch them first before reading the rest of this post because there are in fact some spoilers that will ruin the whole point of watching the movies). The titles of these beyond fantastic movies are "Before Sunrise" and the sequel, "Before Sunset". My older sister raved about how great they were and explained how they were two of her favorite movies to me and my best friend. We were still in high school at the time and decided to rent them and see what all the fuss was about. In the first film, a young American guy, Jesse is traveling through Europe and meets a young French girl, Celine. They start talking on a train to Vienna and end up getting off at the same stop to spend the rest of the night together until Jesse leaves on a plane for the States the next morning. Throughout the night, they confide in each other their most deep thoughts about themselves, family, relationships and the world around them. They come to really appreciate one another's company and seemingly fall in love. But they both know the night is going to end, morning is going to come and they will be strangers once again. At the very last second, right when Celine is about to get back on a train to Paris, they decide to meet on the same platform 6 months from that date. The movie comes to a close with Jesse riding a bus to the airport and Celine on the train back to Paris.

In the sequel, Jesse is now a published author, traveling across the world on a book tour for his latest novel about a man and woman who meet for one night. His last stop is in a small Parisian bookstore, where he happens to run into Celine. They spend the afternoon recapping what has been going on in their lives so far but not before learning that Celine could not show up to the platform the day they were meant to meet and Jesse came and was disappointed. Both realize that the other is in a relationship that is more of a struggle than something they want to be in. Jesse is married to a woman he does not truly love and is only staying together for their son, Henry. Celine has been in and out of relationships and cannot seem to find it. At the end of this day, Jesse was meant to catch a flight back home to his family in New York City. Instead, the last scene of the movie shows him sitting on Celine's couch, watching and laughing as Celine dances and sings in front of him...both knowing that Jesse is going to miss his flight.

I feel like after seeing the differences in how I felt when I saw them that first time and how I feel about them now, it shows just how warped my state of mind was back then.  The movies seemed almost stupid and pointless...disappointing in some ways, boring in others. But now, as I have just completed watching the second movie in the series, I can't get enough of the story! I wrote to my best friend that I wish there was somehow a third movie. And then I realized that I don't really want a third movie. I just want to know that Jesse and Celine to end up living happily ever after even though during the conversations in the actual movie, it's discussed how everything does not need an ending. One person might be a romantic and see the two people together forever, while one might be a total cynic and envision them growing to hate each other, while still another might have hope for the happy ending but just isn't sure enough that it's possible. This thought really stuck with me for some reason. In my short life of twenty years, since I can remember, we're always striving to make everything as perfect as possible. Even though it is clearly not in our power and there might be some sort of "magic" out there (as Celine hints at), we try and try to improve who we are, what we have, where we're going in life. Instead, I think we just need to let it be. To some people, it might seem cheesy and unrealistic. But not to me. It gets to a certain point where you just look back, and everything you've done seems like a waste of time. Certain things that you were so stressed about seems kind of silly now; people you used to really care about are nobody to you now. It's not depressing, it's just the truth. People always talk about the natives of Europe and how a lot of them have a way of living that is so much more relaxed than us in America. It's true, too. They know how to enjoy now.

It seems to me like if you really want to be able to do this, you have to be over 60 or from Europe! A part of me hates watching movies like this that take place in foreign countries because it always makes me want to go there and learn their way of life and throw mine in the trash (if at all possible). It's so annoying to see such beautiful buildings and fountains and for Christ's sake, even the sidewalks in these movies and get snapped back into real life by the noise of a plane or ambulance rushing around outside. It just all seems so stupid and cheesy! I use that word, cheesy, a lot but that's how I feel about a lot of things. It's just how I am...I'm not really judging anybody who likes that lifestyle or likes walking outside and being surrounded by a bunch of hideous skyscrapers. Some might even find that intriguing and beautiful but not me. I'd much rather be standing next to some 17th century cathedral or something of the like. Anyways, I'm off on another tangent. My main point was to just express the opinion that we don't always need that perfect ending - whether it be getting the best grades, having the prettiest hair, buying the most perfect house or finding Prince Charming and living happily ever after...it just doesn't have to happen. Let it happen and it will.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite scenes from the first movie, when some kind of "bum" writes a beautiful poem for Jesse and Celine...

Daydream delusion
Limousine Eyelash
Oh, baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet cakes and milkshakes
I am a delusion angel
I am a fantasy parade
I want you to know what I think
Don’t want you to guess anymore
You have no idea where I came from
We have no idea where we’re going
Launched in life
Like branches in the river
Flowing downstream
Caught in the current
I’ll carry you. You’ll carry me
That’s how it could be
Don’t you know me?
Don’t you know me by now?

Thanks for reading :)

Love,

Rachel