But something told me to run and honey you know me, it's all or none

You know, I never imagined myself being on of those girls who changes her mind every five minutes about things that actually matter. I suppose I have still dodged that bullet but I've become someone who is more flakey than I want to be. Or maybe I'm just having an off day...I don't know! I woke up this morning with a very odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not that I felt like I was going to toss my cookies or anything, but just that something was different. And I can feel myself changing my mind on something that is very important to me. Or was? See?! Now I don't know.
I've always been one to change my mind a lot. I'm not very good at judging people when I first meet them. Not judging them, but assessing whether or not I like them or whatever. A lot of people that I originally did not like very much, sometimes even thought I hated, turned out to be people that I care more for than anything else in the world. So as it turns out, I can't really trust my gut instinct.
Even the petty small things like....I used to hate pickles. And Indian food. But then I went on a pickle binge about three or four years ago and now I love them! Same thing with Indian food...little things like changing my taste in food seem so easy to get over. It's not a big deal that you suddenly don't mind chomping away on a vinegar-y cucumber.
BUT THIS! This is a big deal! What am I supposed to do now that my mind is reeling and I suddenly feel like I've been wasting all this time? Literally just when everything was really going perfectly...and I mean perfectly I wake up feeling like this. UGHHHHHH I could scream! Why can't our minds just stay the way they are, thinking about things one way and sticking to it. That would make life so simple and easy. That's all I want. And I know yes, "life isn't fair" YADA YADA YADA but could it just be this one time? Just for the next couple months, can all the stars align and all that crap and things just work out? Can I please have one carefree summer? No.
I apologize, this wasn't very much of a babble, it was more of an angry rant than anything else.

Thanks for reading (though) :)
Love,
Rachel

p.s. listen to a song called "Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins. awesome!

she gives me love, love, love, love, crazy love

It's pretty late at night currently...early morning actually and the thunder outside happens to be shaking my windows and making me quite nervous. I can't sleep at all so I thought I'd babble about my fabulous evening! My sister, Mother and I got tickets to see Michael Buble in concert...AH.MAY.ZING. There are no words to even try and begin to explain how good it was. He sounds just like (if not better) he does in his recorded music. His live band was so awesome to get to see actually performing. Speaking of live bands, this pretty sweet group called Natually 7 opened for Michael. They're a group made up of seven guys, no instruments.

There they are! I have to admit, I have a major crush on the bass "instrument" and bass singer, Hops (front row, third from the left). Such a shame, he's married! But he even loves Coldplay as I learned from reading an interview with him so he gets major brownie points for that. (Funny fact: the interviewer asked Hops "who is your favorite character from the Bible?"...like the Bible is some fictional story with characters and story plots...) But anyways, they seemed pretty strange at first and it was kind of weird that they were touring with Michael Buble but then they started singing and doing their thing and it was understandable. They use absolutely no instruments - they make all the sound themselves! Even my Mother leaned over at one point and said that she thought the really low bass-like beat must be coming from an instrument or something somewhere backstage, but sure enough when the group performed what they call a "sound wall", it was obvious that the noise was Hops! Love him! They were just really cool though...kind of a mix between a cappella and R&B and beat boxing. 

(Did you know this guy wanted to BE Michael Jackson when he was younger?! LOL)

So back to Michael! My Mother had told me from when she and my aunt had gone to see him in Chicago that he was very interactive with his audience and for lack of a better word, a smartass. And he totally was! But it made the concert that much more fun. He's really talented and his sense of humor is unsuspected but had everybody laughing. This was one of those concerts that you can go to and really learn to appreciate music all over again. Like when your favorite song comes on and each time you hear it, it gives you something different. Or when a certain note is played and a certain line is sung and you get the goosebumps just listening to it all. I love that feeling. I like seeing other people enjoy something so much too...there was a girl turning thirteen down in the first few rows holding a poster that said something along the lines of "IT'S MY THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY! CAN I HAVE A KISS?" and Michael let her come up to the stage and take a picture and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She was bawling her eyes out she was so happy. And yeah, sometimes people go crazy for famous people, but it was actually genuinely a sweet moment and you could tell that it probably made her day...or life to have done that. There were also two couples sitting a few rows in front of us that my Mother and I kept laughing about. The one was a bit older, seemed to have been together for a while...the man came in, sat there the whole time drinking his beer, not dancing or singing or having fun with his date. She kept getting up with everyone else and dancing and whatnot and he just sat there looking so bored to death. But then there was probably one of the cutest couples I have ever seen just a few seats down from them. Now I know Michael Buble isn't exactly something most guys would put on their iPod and bop around town listening to. But this couple...the girl would get up and dance and lucky for her, her guy would follow right along (sometimes even initiating it...whoahhhh!). Michael sang Twist and Shout like in Ferris Bueller's Day Off and this guy was up there shaking his butt, totally making a fool of himself but having fun with his girl. It was the cutest thing! You could just tell they were having fun and loving being there together. It was such a stark contrast from the older couple. Anyways, I just like that the simple act of going to a concert can bring that much happiness to people. I know we all had a great time and it will be a great memory to have for the rest of my life, just as it will be for that happy couple, the thirteen year old, and all those crazy middle-aged women dancing like crazy in the front row.

Thanks for reading :)

Love,

Rachel

...and as you go i will spread my wings

I have recently become obsessed with a poet who goes by the name of Pablo Neruda. Since last summer, I've been collecting his poems in my bookmarks which I usually find on StumbleUpon by chance. Every once and a while I like to go through them and read all of them. I'm not really one of those "deep" people who sits there and mulls over a poem, stanza by stanza, line by line trying to uncover some profound meaning within the words. And that is exactly why I love Pablo so much - he uses simple words and ideas to get his point across. They're not muddled up with complicated vocabulary or weird unnecessary formatting - it's just simple. Beautiful, even. Most of them are about love and his mushy feelings towards some lucky girl out there. But he has a funny side too - poems that go under the category of "Ode To..." ranging from Ode To The Onion all the way to Ode To a Large Tuna in the Market. I have to say though, one of my favorite poems by Pablo is titled "Your Feet". For everybody that knows me, this may come as a very extreme surprise. I have an intense foot phobia and can't even stand the sight of them much less a poem written all about them. But it's just so simple and darling, I can't help but love reading it...

When I cannot look at your face 
I look at your feet. 

Your feet of arched bone, 

your hard little feet. 

I know that they support you, 

and that your sweet weight 

rises upon them. 

Your waist and your breasts, 

the doubled purple 

of your nipples, 

the sockets of your eyes 

that have just flown away, 

your wide fruit mouth, 

your red tresses, 

my little tower. 

But I love your feet 

only because they walked 

upon the earth and upon 

the wind and upon the waters, 

until they found me.

Wasn't it wonderful? I especially like the last sentence starting with "But I love your feet..." which I never thought I'd catch myself saying! It's lovey-dovey, yes, but just enough to not be annoying. Anywho, I like poetry. Sometimes I wish I could be so talented as to write it myself but then I think it might just be one of those things that for me, writing it would take the fun out of it. Not to sound like some insightful cheeseball, but it would take some of the mystery out of it. Like who is the author writing to? Anybody? Or perhaps it's just like John Mayer's "Love Song for No One" and it isn't being written for anybody. Or (especially Pablo) why the heck was he writing odes to vegetables? There's just something about poetry that isn't as obvious as a book or newspaper article. There is something about it that makes it funner (yes, I know it's not a word) not knowing where it's going to end up or what the author meant by it. I find it ridiculously annoying that while learning about poetry in school, teachers always seem to try and dissect it word by word, searching for that "deep" meaning. But what if it isn't there? What if the author just wanted to say how he loved someone's feet simply because they brought her to him? It's nothing more, nothing less than that. There is no way a teacher can get inside an author's head and drill him or her on what they have written. There is no right or wrong answer. I think the poem can be taken for what it is by each individual reader and that's not something that can be graded. While it is important to teach what poems are and how there are many different ways to write them, it is unnecessary to try and turn them into an exam.



Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel

bartender please, fill my glass for me

AH! It has been forever. A lot has been going on since my last post! I finally found myself a very unexpected job that I absolutely love. I randomly came across and ad on CraigsList for a vague job at a cafe in Sewickley. It said they didn't need anybody for summer work but I decided, what do I have to lose and emailed back. I was so excited to see that the owner emailed me back and told me to come in to fill out an application! I had an "interview" on the spot (and by interview I mean casual chat with the owner) and found out I got the job. I cannot even express to you how excited I was since I applied to about twenty places, half of which I would have probably died of annoyance and hatred at. Anyways, the name of my new place of employment is Cafe des Amis. It's this adorable little French cafe hidden away in an alley that not too many people would know about. But it's great working there. I didn't think I would actually be in the kitchen, cooking or anything like that but as it turns out, I am! I learned how to make crepes within the first half hour of work and apparently I'm a natural at it (which is extremely shocking considering I can barely flip a pancake properly). I'm also really good with a knife...good or bad thing I'm not completely sure? But each day that I've worked there I learn something new whether it be about running a restaurant or cooking food or whatever it may be - it's been exciting! I feel like such a dork using so many exclamation points but oh well....!!!!!!!!!! I've finally found a job that I don't hate going to which is a lovely change from my last two experiences.

I have to say, my favorite part of my job so far is making the crepes. Yummy! I even for some reason get a kick out of making the giant tub of batter. But it's just so fun! I remember in my senior year of high school, I got the idea to work at a bakery and someday work up to having my own place. I told my Mother about it and she doesn't think I have the dedication to wake up at 5am to cook food every day...or maybe she just doesn't think I can do it. Period. Either way, I really wish I could have gone to school for that. I found a school back in high school and got the pamphlet and application and everything and was so excited. Sadly though, my Mother thought I should at least go to "real school" first and then decide if that is really what I want to do and maybe I could go to cooking school later down the road. The problem with wanting to own my own place would be that I have no business experience whatsoever. I really should have been a business major or something along those lines if I had really wanted to do this and then go to cooking school after I graduated. Sometimes I feel very out of place in my major...I get the feeling it isn't really what I was meant to do every once and a while and I just get this horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just can't shake. I feel like if I were to switch majors at this point, my Mother would be disappointed and I would have wasted two entire years of classes and projects and work...all for nothing. Although teaching is something that can allow me to have a huge impact in the world. Yes, yes I know what you're thinking. Oh no, Rachel is losing it and is turning into one of those loons who goes around town blabbing about how they want to save the world and yada yada yada. But I just get the feeling that I should go DO something all on my own. I really would like to go on some kind of mission trip...it doesn't have to be religious really because sometimes, especially if visiting a third world country or anything like that, I feel like whatever religion the volunteers are is getting pushed on the native people and that just isn't what I want to do. Anyways, the people that I know who have done these kinds of things have always had positive things to say. I have never heard a bad story or complaint about it and I would really love to try it. If it doesn't work out and I hate it, I can still be doing something meaningful with my time instead of sitting around in a big air conditioned house, going shopping or hanging out with friends all summer long. Just something I've been thinking about I guess. There's just too many opportunities out there that I would be so grateful to be able to take part in and sometimes it just feels like the world is passing me by and all my friends have these great big plans and have goals and dreams to accomplish and live out...I just want to do something. Start to end, by myself, selflessly. Is that too much to ask? Gosh, going from my new summer job at a cafe in a small town seems really lame compared to where this babble session ended up going, doesn't it?

Thanks for reading :)

Love,

Rachel

p.s. - It's summertime! Go take some time to yourself and hang out with DMB, my most favorite summer band (which I know doesn't seem to make sense, but listening to his music seems strange to me any other season of the year).