nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time

Today's song: All You Need Is Love by The Beatles (duh!)

I don't know what's been going on with my lately but I've been having a lot of positive epiphany-like discoveries. It's not like they're some world changing, cure for cancer thoughts or anything but they're kind of a big deal for me I suppose.
I'm around people all day, everyday now with the job that I have. Dealing with parents in the morning, kids for eight hours, parents again in the late afternoon, and whoever I decide to spend my evenings and weekends with. There's always people around. I've always been one of the types to enjoy a good people watching session. I love sitting somewhere, like on a bench outside of a public place or wherever pretty much, and just watching people. Obviously not in the creepy way. But one thing that I'm guilty of (as well as my friends who also enjoy people watching) is being judgmental of the people I see. Instead of just watching and enjoying life happening around me, I'm looking at someone and instantly hating them for something they said or something they're wearing. It's so shallow. I have no idea who these people are! And yet I insist upon making these harsh judgments about them anyways. Quite often, I find myself and my friends saying "I hate people." as in, just in general, hating people for no good reason. It's meant to be a joke but I think sometimes we get carried away. And I don't just mean me and my group of friends. I mean everyone, everywhere.
I had a conversation last night with a good friend of mine about Woodstock...you know, the crazy hippy concert? Yes, that's the one. But he asked me if I knew what it was really meant to be about and after thinking about it for a minute, I had no good answer. He's pretty up on all the history of anything you could be wondering about so he lit up like a little kid on Christmas morning and proceeded to tell me all about it. Like that it was supposed to be about peace. For those few days that the music festival took place on, I guess everybody was just at peace with each other. Apparently the food vendors ran out of food at one point (the crowds weren't expected to be so large) and people had to share food with their neighbors and friends. And that's how they got by. According to my history buff friend, there were only two deaths but eighty births. Eighty! At a music festival! But the point of it was to spread peace and show the country that we could hold it together and we could have the power to love one another. What a beautiful thing that must have been.
I think we've lost a lot of that nowadays, myself being the first to admit it. I've always made fun of certain groups of people for doing things a certain way or for enjoying certain activities without even trying any of it myself or thinking that they just have a different mindset than I do...and that should be perfectly acceptable. To each his own!
Thanks for reading
Love,
Rachel

and baby, your love is gonna change me

Today's song: Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble

So far in my life, I've realized that I definitely read into things too much. Not all the time, but a good majority of it. As with most things in life, this can be both good and bad. About 90% of the time, I'd put it in the bad category but on days like today, I kind of like that about myself. I went to the YMCA to get my work out on (yay me!) and ran into this girl who has been friends with my brother since they were in grade school together...and that was forever ago. But we got to talking and were asking each other about how things are going, how's school, how's summer, are you dating anybody, etc. When I answered that last question with "No, I recently broke up with somebody", her face almost lit up and she responded with "No way! Me too! And I'm enjoying being single so much!" and I have to say, I admire her. Not that being in a loving relationship with somebody can be a wonderful, beautiful thing. Of course it can.

But ever since me and my ex-boyfriend broke up at the end of the school year, it's just been this awful negative thing looming over me. And if you tell anybody that you're just recently out of a relationship, you get the look. You know what I'm talking about - that sympathetic, almost patronizing look like "Ohhh you must be devastated". At first, yes of course I was devastated. But after a certain period of time, once you realize that maybe this just wasn't meant to be, you have to move on. And maybe thinking about being single as a positive thing is the way to go! 

I mean, why shouldn't being single be fun? Not that you have to slut yourself around town or anything along those lines, but we all deserve a little fun! A little flirting, a little "me" time. It's good for us all. And having hope. I usually hate that word because people overuse it and it's just thrown around in so many situations that it loses its power, kind of like love. I think it is important though - in every aspect of your life - including relationships. I truly believe that there is someone out there for everybody. It might take you years and years to find your other half, but I believe it will happen to everyone who is open to it. I think it's great to enjoy the single life, and to have hope for your future. It's not necessary to run out and find yourself your next relationship. But the dream of one is always a nice thing to have. It's like in You Got Mail when Meg Ryan's character realizes that her relationship isn't what it used to be and that both parties have fallen out of love with each other. It's a very adult breakup in my opinion and a great example of people being able to part ways without any animosity and I love it. But her (now ex) boyfriend asks her if there's someone else and she replies "No...but there is the dream of someone else". I love that line.

See what I mean about thinking too much into things? A simple conversation with someone can set me off on a life-advice rant. I just can't help myself though!

Thanks for reading

Love,

Rachel

p.s. I'll leave you with another quote, written by one of my favorite authors (Jane Austen), that I absolutely love. Perhaps it will provide you with your very own kind of hope for what you have waiting for you in your future..."There could have been no two hearts so open, no tastes so similar, no feelings so in unison, no countenances so beloved." 

we'll build a house of driftwood, keep it simple, simple is good

Today's song: Always Remember Me by Ry Cuming

I dreamt that I'd tell you,

I dreamt I'd convince you.

I dreamt you would love me

and I too would love you.

I dreamt of perfection,

a dream so romantic.

I dreamt you would smile

and carefully panic.

I dreamt you would hug me.

I dreamt we would both see,

together we're better -  

I dreamt you weren't choosy.

I dreamt up the ways

of how I could tell you.

I dreamt up bouquets

and a time and place too.

I dreamt that I told you.  

I dreamt that I could do.

I dreamt that it happened.  

I dreamt of a breakthrough.

instead i told you

at 3am drunk on facebook

and i took it back the next morning

Thanks for reading

Love,

Rachel

as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs and sit alone and wonder how you're making out

Today's song: Screaming Infidelities by Dashboard Confessional

Fuck everything and fuck everyone. I just want one thing to go right. Is that too much to ask? It really must be. I want people to stop being so awful. Myself included. I don't get what it is about people and their emotions but it's just fucking insane. We should just think with our heads and make decisions based on facts and concrete information. Things would be so much easier that way and nobody's feelings would ever get hurt. I can't even describe it right now. I just can't get the words to come out. I don't know if I'm denying what I want to say or if I really am confused about it. I'm so angry.

And even as I typed all of that I know it's not even me typing it. It's like my schizophrenic other personality or something (I'm not really schizophrenic, throwing that out there). I should probably name her because every once in a while she comes out and I'm practically a black hole of hate that sucks everything in that crosses my path. I'm going to call her Rosalie. She's sometimes a real bitch and sometimes really angry and just makes everything impossible. She sometimes comes out when I'm drunk, too. Rosalie sounds like a bitchy enough name right?

If you've ever read White Girl Problems by Babe Walker, you know exactly what I'm talking about with this crazy other side of myself that comes out and ruins things for me. She says things that are just absurd and not at all how I really feel but she'll say them anyways. She likes to express every mean thought I've ever tried to hold inside myself. She's jealous of every happiness other people have. She makes me think of all the negatives in my life. She makes me sound selfish and needy and rude and terrible. I wish there was an easier way of explaining Rosalie but there really isn't. It's like I can't stop her from happening. And I (Rachel) have to deal with the repercussions of her actions and words once she's done hurricane-ing through town and wrecking everything possible. 

If you have or ever do come into contact with her, all I can say is that I'm sorry. 

Thanks for reading

Love,

Rosalie

we'll find somewhere the streets are paved with gold

Today's song: U.F.O. by Coldplay

Alright, seriously. Listen to that song and you will be happy for days. I just got back from a weekend in Philadelphia with my family and listened to Coldplay all the way home (about six wonderful hours). Even through my dad's terrible driving aka near death experiences, my mother's complaining about said near death experiences, and their World War III over who should pick the radio station, I was happy because I was in the back seat, jamming to the best band in the entire world.
I love long car rides which may seem kind of strange considering I have recently been extremely prone to motion sickness. But once we get started and I know I just have hours and hours ahead of me to think about nothing or everything and anything, I get this calm feeling and I'm so simply happy. I love sitting in the back seat of my family's mini van, by myself listening to music and looking out the window at the world passing us by. I don't really understand why people are always complaining about taking long trips like that. Even when we drive to Chicago to visit our relatives and we're in the car for so many hours it's insane, I still have such a good time. I can't really put a finger on it but I think it's a mixture of getting to be on the road traveling to somewhere other than home, listening to all my favorite music and just having some time all to myself. Although don't get me wrong, I love road trips with my friends because they're full of laughs and terrible singing and speeding down the highway without a care in the world. I love going anywhere really. I could be traveling to the middle of nowhere for nothing all that important and I'd still have so much fun doing it.
Actually on our way to Philly, we didn't leave till around 6:30pm so we were driving in the sunset/dark most of the time. We were right in the mountains when the sun started setting and it was really one of those moments that takes your breath away. I don't mean to sound like some tree-hugging nature freak but it really made me glad to just be alive and doing something. I don't know, I just felt so lucky to be living under that beautiful sky. As it got darker, we were out in the middle of nowhere where you could clearly see all the stars in the sky. It made me think of those cheesy lines in movies when some couple is in love but in different locations and they always say something like "We're still under the same sky" or that "We're looking at the same moon" kind of thing. It just got me thinking, how absolutely magical that is. I mean, think of all the people out there in the entire world, and we're all under the same sky. If I was one of those couples who was trying the whole long distance thing, I feel like that would be so comforting. No matter how far away you are - different cities, different states, different countries, different continents - it's all under the same sky. I don't know why that thought is so stuck in my head, but I'm in love with the idea. It seems so romantic.
Thanks for reading
Love,
Rachel

no one ever said it would be this hard, oh take me back to the start

Today's song: The Scientist by Coldplay

Firstly, I have to say that today's blog song is my absolute favorite song in the entire world...of all time. And it forever will be. It flows out of my speakers with the most beautiful music and lyrics that pull at my heart in a new way each time I listen to it. I don't think I've ever listened to it and felt the exact same way as another time. I don't know if that makes any sense but I'm not concerned. That song feels like coming home. It feels like wrapping yourself up in the most emotional place you can think of. It feels like falling in love. It feels like letting go. It feels like all the best things in life mixed in with the most painful. It feels like Coldplay at its finest.
Secondly, I'd like to venture into the world of a perfect cry. I don't know about the male species, but I know females and I know that every once in a while, we all need to just sit ourselves down, think about something sad, and have a nice little sob and cry out everything we're feeling until we feel like we don't have anything left to cry. It's like the most confusing thing in the entire world. I mean, how can sobbing uncontrollably for fifteen minutes make a person feel better? I'm not sure about the psychology behind it but I do know that I broke myself down this evening and let myself revel in the greatness of this so called perfect cry. I put on my best sad music and thought about things that have been bothering me recently and I just let it all out. It was painful to say the least, but the whole time I knew that I'd feel better when it was all over.
Thirdly, I want to talk about things coming to an end. You know, whenever I think of something being over, I've never had it actually be completely one hundred percent over. Things always have a way of making themselves known again for me and I'm not quite sure yet if it's a blessing or a curse. I guess no matter how many times I can tell myself that this is it, it never truly is. It's like there's some unearthly control over my heart, fighting against my brain's will power. And usually my head stands defeated. People are always saying that things just have a way of ending or panning themselves out until there is nothing left. But to counter that, I'm always saying that things have a way of coming back, whether they should or not (yet again, I'm really not quite sure if that's good or bad). I'm really rambling here, as usual. I tend to never be able to use words to describe exactly how I'm feeling or say exactly what I want to say. It's like my mind cannot keep up with my feelings. Maybe that's my problem. Basically in any situation where I am giving a choice between using logic or emotion, I will instantly choose emotion. I was born in March which makes me a Pisces...I'm pretty sure they're supposed to be emotional people so maybe that has something to do with it, after all. I don't know if this is making any sense or if it's in any way coherent. I'm not even sure if anybody is reading this...or if anyone ever will. But I am saying what I want to, no matter how difficult it is or whose feelings I hurt (even if they're my own) or how hard it might be for others to understand.
Thanks for reading
Love,
Rachel

p.s. F, if you're reading this, I miss us already

when you love someone but it goes to waste, could it be worse?

Today's song: Fix You by Coldplay

I guess I'll give up.

Love,
Rachel

I wanna know just who you're talking to when you're singin' in your sleep

Today's song: Do You Love Me? by Guster

Today was my first day of camp training! I was kind of nervous about it because I'm not very good meeting new people. I tend to be very shy and don't talk a lot. Unless it's a situation where I instantly click with someone, it takes me a long time to warm up and act like my loud, sarcastic, fun-loving self. And I hate this about myself. My best friend from home and I always talk about it and have found over the years that many people take our shyness and see it as us being snooty or too "goody two shoes" to talk to anybody. That's really not at all what either one of us are like. I love talking and getting to know people! I'm just the queen of awkward conversations. But today I woke up and listened to the most smile-enducing playlist and decided today I would be different. I would put myself out there and talk to people. I was going to introduce myself and ask questions. I want to have fun this summer and I want to make friends at camp so I don't hate this job (like every other one I've had) and to do that, I figured  I should actually put some effort into making these friends.
I arrived at camp and actually got there at the same time as another girl...we looked like we were there for the same thing so I went up and asked her if she was there for training. Hey guess what?! She was. We introduced ourselves and as it turns out, people aren't so bad. We had  to play all these ridiculous games throughout the day and it came to a surprise to me that when you are outgoing and don't care if you look a little foolish (come on, we all did), those games can actually be a lot of fun. I think I finally got over my insecurities and fear about meeting people! I met some great people and it's given me confidence enough to believe that this summer is going to be tons of fun.
Other than that, not a lot happened today. My sister comes home from Australia tonight...and by tonight I mean one in the morning. Even though I'm thoroughly exhausted and I'm probably going to hate myself tomorrow morning, I think I'll stay up to welcome her back. I have a strange feeling she'll have a ring on her finger...that may have something to do with me wanting to stay up and see her!
Anyway, I found this really great poem today that after reading just the first line, I was in love with. It's written by E.E. Cummings so obviously it has to be good, right? Right. I guess that's what I'll leave you with today...a little piece of beautiful love.

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
my heart) I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet ) I want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

Thanks for reading :)

Love,

Rachel

but I realize that I need you and I wondered if I could come home

Today's song: First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes

I went for my usual run today, but instead of listening to music that would make someone want to exercise or "pump you up", I played my "RunCalm" playlist. It's a mix I made a few months ago when I was upset about something so as it turns out, it's also a pretty decent playlist if you just want to sit around and mope about how sad (but not really) your life is. I woke up and did a lot today and after all of it, I didn't really feel like exercising. I felt calm and finally organized and at home. It was a good feeling. But that little voice in the back of my head telling me I need to get in shape kept bothering me so I threw on my sneakers and headed outside. As I'm running along, listening to all my sad songs, I started to think. Of course.
You know what I hate? Being punished for something that was said in the past. It's so obnoxious in my opinion. If someone were to ask you how you're feeling one day, and you say, I don't know, that you're feeling miserable about something you did. Then a period of time passes and the same person asks you how you're feeling and you say that you're doing a lot better and you're happy as can be. But then that person tells you that you can't be happy now because you used to be miserable. That's the kind of hypothetical situation I'm talking about. How unfair is that? And it's not even logical. When you ask a person how they're feeling about something or tell them that you care enough to sit there and listen to whatever it is that he or she may have to say, that person will fall for it and believe that you really care. So don't throw it back in their face. That throws off the whole balance of things and makes the person with all the feelings (that were supposed to be kept private in the first place) feel miserable and pathetic. I'm one of those girls who is kind of guarded about her feelings. I don't like confrontation (good or bad), I don't like sharing things, I don't like talking about feelings. But if a situation arises and I decide that maybe there is a person I can trust with my feelings, a person who I trust won't judge me for them, a person who I believe to be the right person to share everything with, I'll go ahead and share. CLEARLY I have a shit ton of feelings that I don't talk about with actual people. If you've been reading this blog, you know this about me. I tend to change my mind a lot, which infuriates me so I could only imagine how it would make someone else feel. But when you're the one who wanted to break down my protective walls and you're the one who was always asking me how I felt, why is it now such a negative thing? Why do I feel so stupid about it no matter how many times you tell me I shouldn't? Why can't thinks just go back to the way they used to be? I really want them to. I'd do anything to just have a little bit of how it used to be.
It was a long run, thinking about all of this. I ran almost double the distance I usually do which I guess is good. But the whole time I probably looked like some nutcase shaking my head at myself and furrowing my brow, lost in thought. I feel much better getting that off my chest...I guess even if nobody is reading, this blog is good for something!
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel

but if you ask me, the feeling that I'm feeling is overwhelming

Today's song: Prettiest Friend by Jason Mraz

You know that song that goes "these are a few of my favorite things"? I think sipping on a passion tea lemonade, curled up in a big comfy chair in the corner of a bookstore, reading your new book should be added to the list.
I woke up today to an extremely dreary, gray and rainy day but I felt refreshed and wanting to do something. My older brother's birthday is coming up this weekend and I've been putting off shopping for a gift for him, partially because I am awful at gift-giving for my family. You ask me to think of a gift for some friend of a friend that I have never met and I could give you a million great suggestions. But when it comes to my own flesh and blood, I am a complete failure. So there I was this morning, racking my brain for some kind of solution to my problem. I thought of the generic things like shirts or perhaps another bow tie! But no, that just wouldn't do. My brother always gives the best gifts and I really wanted to give him something he'd actually enjoy. He's one of those people though that if they need something, they go and buy it for themselves. It's not like they'll say anything like "Oh you know what I could really use?". It just doesn't happen with him. So then I thought of things he enjoyed. My brother is somewhat of a jock but not the type you're probably thinking of. He's more of a rowing, running marathons, bicycle racing kind of guy. And then there's his most recent love - photography. And then it hit me - coffee table book! I know this may not sound like the most exciting birthday gift, but if you knew my brother, you'd know that he's weirdly into that kind of thing. Him and his girlfriend just decorated their apartment (it's such a perfect little apartment...so jealous!) so I figured, why not help them with accessorizing? That was my plan.
When I arrived at the bookstore however, I did not find my ideal book. I searched the sports section and came out empty handed...I wasn't about to give him a biography of Lance Armstrong. Then I saw a section that seemed to be chock-full of coffee table-like books. I scampered over and was disappointed yet again. By this point I was a bit worried that my brilliance was going to go to waste and I'd end up trudging over to the mall to buy him an unexciting, impersonal gift. But then, as I was walking through the discount section, a bright orange book with guess what? - A BICYCLE on the front cover happened to catch my eye! It wasn't a coffee table book, just a regular looking one entitled Bicycle Diaries. I picked it up and read the description and it was beyond perfect. It's the story of a man who travels all around the world (mostly Europe) and bikes as much as he possibly can along the way. I couldn't have found a better book! Especially considering my brother and his lady are contemplating moving to Europe within the next couple years. It was fate! I must admit, from then on I was doing a little shopping for myself. But then I got caught up in some strange miscellaneous section and found a book called Bike Snob. I started reading it and even I was enthralled with the jokes and illustrations. I felt so lucky, then! I had finally done it. I was finally going to give my brother a fantastic gift that I am absolutely certain he will love...he better!
I felt like I had conquered the world so I bought myself some Starbucks, found myself one of those overstuffed chairs tucked back in a corner and cracked open the book I had found for myself. I must have stayed there for at least an hour or so. It made me wish I was one of those people that lived in a small town with a home-y bookstore that I could just sit in all afternoon, reading books and keeping to myself. I've kind of forgotten how much I love to read, just for the pleasure of it. Everybody's so bogged down all the time at school with awful textbook readings or terribly boring novels for class that it completely takes the fun out of it. It takes the fun out of that moment when you pick up a new book, read the back cover and instantly just know it's going to be a great read. It even takes the fun of going to your local library and finding yourself a book, opening up the pages, and just smelling that distinctly library smell. I don't know about you, but that smell is heaven. (Technically) it's sort of gross I suppose but it reminds me of being younger and going to the library every week. I used to love reading. Maybe this summer I can rekindle the flame - with real books and not a Kindle. Haaaahaha see what I did there? I crack myself up.
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel