Today's song: Someday We'll Know by Mandy Moore and Johnathan Foreman
I've been day dreaming a lot today. I'll see something on television or Facebook or something of the like and I catch myself zoning out and thinking about what it would be like to be somebody else...somewhere else. I was watching Eat Pray Love and wondered what it would be like to actually just get up one day, so unhappy with your life, and feel the intense need to get out of your marriage and your town and do something just for yourself. While exploring the world would be so much fun, that kind of thing scares me. Julia Roberts always seems to be playing those kinds of characters. In Larry Crowne the same thing happens with her marriage - little by little she realizes how they have nothing in common anymore. She realizes that she is falling out of love and gets a divorce, just as in Eat Pray Love. I'm terrified that something like that would happen to me. I don't have very good judgment about people and have made some pretty regrettable decisions in my life thus far. I don't want to be one of those people though. Nowadays, everybody knows at least one couple who seemed to be in love, got married and now it's completely broken. My parents are like that. They really should split up but for whatever reason, they won't. I don't want to end up like that, regretting my choices. Especially on something so important.
It may not be at the top of the list for a lot of people - love. But it's at the top of mine. Not in the naive "i wanna b in luv" kind of way, I mean the real falling in love with each other more and more every single day (even when you're old of age and sitting in rocking chairs) kind of love.
I have this one friend who is so opposed to falling in love, getting married and having a family. She won't admit to it, but she really is one of those ultra-feminists who "think like a man" and use guys for sex. I don't think I could do that. No, I know I couldn't. I've been there before when some guy had screwed me over so I tried to just go for the whole meaningless sex thing. It doesn't work. But my friend won't admit to that. She recently had a long-term boyfriend but it ended badly and now she's back to her old self. So in my opinion, she really does believe in the whole lovey-dovey thing but she just refuses to admit that it's what she may want someday.
I'm not saying every girl everywhere has to think like I do. I know there are a lot of people who want to go out and get their careers started and work for the rest of their lives, social life on the side. But I don't want that. I can't see myself doing that. I want to fall in love. I want to get married. I want to see the world with that person and then settle down and have a family with that person. I want kids and I want to stay at home and take care of them. I had a great childhood with my brother and sister and I think it's because my mother was there with us. Things have drastically changed now, but I have so many great memories of growing up and doing fun things all the time with my mother that I can't imagine not being able to give that to my future children. I know it sounds crazy, and I feel crazy saying it because I'm only twenty-one but I sometimes wish I was one of those people who already knew who they were going to marry. I know a girl my age who just got engaged two days ago. She's so lucky! She'll have her life planned out for her. That sounds so perfect to me. I know it's not going to happen any time soon for me, if at all, but I like thinking about it. Not that I want to go out and get preggo tomorrow (please God, no) but in a few years, if it was with the right person and I was in the right place in my life, it's what I would love. That's my dream.
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
and I know we could happen, cause you know that I've been feeling you
Today's song: We Could Happen by AJ Rafael
I found the most adorable, happy, "in like with someone" playlist on 8tracks just a bit ago and I thought I'd share it with you instead of just throwing on song out there...it's called "So go ahead and ask her". It's the perfect compilation of songs that will put a smile on your face and make you think of that one person that makes you get butterflies in your tummy. I just want to listen to this music all day and daydream my real life away, if at all possible.
That has to do with how great the music is, but also how bored I am. I have absolutely nothing to do in my house - OH MY GOODNESS. I think I just had a miniature heart attack. Here I am, sitting at my desk in my room minding my own business when I hear this big crash! The calendar I have hanging next to my bed just flew off the wall and knocked down a humongous pile of CD's. Good God! This is a mess. And that was terrifying! I don't understand how it happened either considering that calendar has been successfully hanging in that same spot for about two years now (yes, I forget to change my calendars). Perhaps I have a ghost. I'm pretty convinced that I do in fact have something following me around though.
That all started my sophomore year of college when me and my best friend lived in an apartment together. It was a pretty decent place but weird things would happen every once in a while. For instance, the one night, I was in my bedroom trying to fall asleep, my friend was in her room doing the same. All of a sudden, we hear this loud banging noise like someone was in our kitchen and had dropped a bunch of pots and pans and things. I screamed and ran into my friend's room, to find her sitting up in bed with the same look of horror on her face. Neither one of us had any idea what had happened and we were both too terrified to go out into the kitchen to investigate. This past year at school, me and my friends moved into a big old house. Everyone was convinced that it was haunted. I guess a bunch of times people would be there by themselves and would hear noises like someone was walking around on the second floor. Doors would sometimes close themselves and not in rooms that had windows or where wind would even have any kind of effect. It happened to me a few times and once when I was there all weekend by myself, I had gone upstairs to take a shower. When I went in, my one roommate's bedroom door was open and her lights were all off. When I got out of the shower, the door was still open but the lights were on. I know nobody else was in the house, especially upstairs so it was pretty creepy. That was all pretty strange but I got used to it, which is very strange considering I am the most easily scared person. And I'm not talking about your average scared. I mean like little kid, afraid of the dark, will scream in horror at scary movies kind of scared. It's all probably just me, terrifying myself by analyzing every little sound or gust of wind in my house but I can't help myself!
Anyway, this post turned into something unexpected and kind of useless. Oh well!
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
I found the most adorable, happy, "in like with someone" playlist on 8tracks just a bit ago and I thought I'd share it with you instead of just throwing on song out there...it's called "So go ahead and ask her". It's the perfect compilation of songs that will put a smile on your face and make you think of that one person that makes you get butterflies in your tummy. I just want to listen to this music all day and daydream my real life away, if at all possible.
That has to do with how great the music is, but also how bored I am. I have absolutely nothing to do in my house - OH MY GOODNESS. I think I just had a miniature heart attack. Here I am, sitting at my desk in my room minding my own business when I hear this big crash! The calendar I have hanging next to my bed just flew off the wall and knocked down a humongous pile of CD's. Good God! This is a mess. And that was terrifying! I don't understand how it happened either considering that calendar has been successfully hanging in that same spot for about two years now (yes, I forget to change my calendars). Perhaps I have a ghost. I'm pretty convinced that I do in fact have something following me around though.
That all started my sophomore year of college when me and my best friend lived in an apartment together. It was a pretty decent place but weird things would happen every once in a while. For instance, the one night, I was in my bedroom trying to fall asleep, my friend was in her room doing the same. All of a sudden, we hear this loud banging noise like someone was in our kitchen and had dropped a bunch of pots and pans and things. I screamed and ran into my friend's room, to find her sitting up in bed with the same look of horror on her face. Neither one of us had any idea what had happened and we were both too terrified to go out into the kitchen to investigate. This past year at school, me and my friends moved into a big old house. Everyone was convinced that it was haunted. I guess a bunch of times people would be there by themselves and would hear noises like someone was walking around on the second floor. Doors would sometimes close themselves and not in rooms that had windows or where wind would even have any kind of effect. It happened to me a few times and once when I was there all weekend by myself, I had gone upstairs to take a shower. When I went in, my one roommate's bedroom door was open and her lights were all off. When I got out of the shower, the door was still open but the lights were on. I know nobody else was in the house, especially upstairs so it was pretty creepy. That was all pretty strange but I got used to it, which is very strange considering I am the most easily scared person. And I'm not talking about your average scared. I mean like little kid, afraid of the dark, will scream in horror at scary movies kind of scared. It's all probably just me, terrifying myself by analyzing every little sound or gust of wind in my house but I can't help myself!
Anyway, this post turned into something unexpected and kind of useless. Oh well!
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
Monday, May 28, 2012
and we were heading for the sea
Today's song: Your Arms Around Me by Jens Lekman
I cannot wait to be out on my own. My parents are always on my case about how irresponsible I am and how often I forget things. I'm not one of those brats that has problems now and is blaming them all on how my parents raised me. But some of those big things I really do partially blame my parents for. For example, handling money. I'm awful with money. I have no concept of how much things are (I mean the big things like rent or textbooks or school, etc.) and I have no concept of how much I should be saving versus how much I can allow myself to spend. I know people my age who are great at managing their money. They've been forced to have a job since they started high school and they were expected to pay for things by themselves, not ask their parents for the money all the time. I did have jobs in high school, but it was never something I had to do. And now I sort of resent that. My parents now pay for me to go to school - they give me money for my books, rent, tuition, groceries and anything else I really need for school along the way. I had a job this past year and I used most of that money to pay for frivolous things like clothes or throwing parties at our house.
Not only the whole responsibility thing, but I also just want to be...not living with my parents anymore. If I have to spend one more summer at home after this one, I think I may actually jump of a bridge (speaking of which, I had a dream about jumping off a bridge last night...coincidence?). I don't want to sound like some whiney teenager who is just too angst-y to live at home anymore, but I am truly past the point of being able to handle it gracefully. The nagging, the "It's my house, my rules", the constant need for me to be downstairs hanging out with my parents, when all they do is complain about not only each other but also me and all my inadequacies: It's so unbearable! They're both always telling me that I spend too much time up in my room or on my computer "doing God knows what" as my mother likes to say. But then when I do go downstairs to try and hang out with either of them, here's how it goes:
Situation 1: My mother. I sit down on the couch in the family room with her and we watch television. Something will come up on a show that reminds my mother that she has to remind me to do something or clean something or tell me how irresponsible/fat I am. My feelings get hurt so I get up and leave. Then she's mad at me that I never want to sit down there with her.
Situation 2: I go into my dad's study to hang out with him, maybe watch a little tennis on television. He literally sits there doing one of three things. One is he will silently watch whatever show is on. Two is he will make the most Captain Obvious comments about the show. Three is he will sit there, give me the remote to watch what I want while he does something on his iPad. I get bored so I get up and leave. Then he's mad at me that I never want to sit down there with him.
Do either one of those options sound delightful? Didn't think so.
Yet another reason why I want to just get out on my own, I just want to have my own space to decorate/clean however I please. I want to be able to project my own style onto the walls of my own apartment or wherever I move in the future. I know I have to clean, but I hate other people telling me when to do it or how to do it. That was a major problem in my house this past year at school (5 ladies living together, go figure) and it was just so annoying. And my mother does the same thing now. I'm not a pig, I promise you. I like things to be clean but I like a little eclectic clutter. Books and magazines, nail polish and hair accessories. I need that stuff to be around so it feels like it's home. It may sound strange to some people, but that's just how I like things.
I just want to be treated like I'm actually a twenty-one year old. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
I cannot wait to be out on my own. My parents are always on my case about how irresponsible I am and how often I forget things. I'm not one of those brats that has problems now and is blaming them all on how my parents raised me. But some of those big things I really do partially blame my parents for. For example, handling money. I'm awful with money. I have no concept of how much things are (I mean the big things like rent or textbooks or school, etc.) and I have no concept of how much I should be saving versus how much I can allow myself to spend. I know people my age who are great at managing their money. They've been forced to have a job since they started high school and they were expected to pay for things by themselves, not ask their parents for the money all the time. I did have jobs in high school, but it was never something I had to do. And now I sort of resent that. My parents now pay for me to go to school - they give me money for my books, rent, tuition, groceries and anything else I really need for school along the way. I had a job this past year and I used most of that money to pay for frivolous things like clothes or throwing parties at our house.
Not only the whole responsibility thing, but I also just want to be...not living with my parents anymore. If I have to spend one more summer at home after this one, I think I may actually jump of a bridge (speaking of which, I had a dream about jumping off a bridge last night...coincidence?). I don't want to sound like some whiney teenager who is just too angst-y to live at home anymore, but I am truly past the point of being able to handle it gracefully. The nagging, the "It's my house, my rules", the constant need for me to be downstairs hanging out with my parents, when all they do is complain about not only each other but also me and all my inadequacies: It's so unbearable! They're both always telling me that I spend too much time up in my room or on my computer "doing God knows what" as my mother likes to say. But then when I do go downstairs to try and hang out with either of them, here's how it goes:
Situation 1: My mother. I sit down on the couch in the family room with her and we watch television. Something will come up on a show that reminds my mother that she has to remind me to do something or clean something or tell me how irresponsible/fat I am. My feelings get hurt so I get up and leave. Then she's mad at me that I never want to sit down there with her.
Situation 2: I go into my dad's study to hang out with him, maybe watch a little tennis on television. He literally sits there doing one of three things. One is he will silently watch whatever show is on. Two is he will make the most Captain Obvious comments about the show. Three is he will sit there, give me the remote to watch what I want while he does something on his iPad. I get bored so I get up and leave. Then he's mad at me that I never want to sit down there with him.
Do either one of those options sound delightful? Didn't think so.
Yet another reason why I want to just get out on my own, I just want to have my own space to decorate/clean however I please. I want to be able to project my own style onto the walls of my own apartment or wherever I move in the future. I know I have to clean, but I hate other people telling me when to do it or how to do it. That was a major problem in my house this past year at school (5 ladies living together, go figure) and it was just so annoying. And my mother does the same thing now. I'm not a pig, I promise you. I like things to be clean but I like a little eclectic clutter. Books and magazines, nail polish and hair accessories. I need that stuff to be around so it feels like it's home. It may sound strange to some people, but that's just how I like things.
I just want to be treated like I'm actually a twenty-one year old. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
Sunday, May 27, 2012
time it was and what a time it was
Today's song: Bookends by Simon & Garfunkel
I feel lonely today. Hopelessly lonely. I realize that I live in a house with two other people, but those people are my parents. I can't exactly sit around talking about things like I would with someone my own age. So instead, I've been up in my room practically all day, yearning for...I don't even know. It's not like I'm totally isolated. I hung out with my friend yesterday, I talked to my best friend for a while today, I went for a run (in 92 degree heat that almost killed me) and then I just started feeling lazy and lonely. I just feel like something is missing. And I can't understand what it is or how I could get it. It's just one of those feelings that I can't shake. I'm not even sure I have anything else to talk about today. If anybody is actually reading this, whoever you are, you should really listen to today's song. It could make me cry at the drop of a hat, especially on a day like today, but it's just so pretty.
Thanks for reading
Love,
Rachel
I feel lonely today. Hopelessly lonely. I realize that I live in a house with two other people, but those people are my parents. I can't exactly sit around talking about things like I would with someone my own age. So instead, I've been up in my room practically all day, yearning for...I don't even know. It's not like I'm totally isolated. I hung out with my friend yesterday, I talked to my best friend for a while today, I went for a run (in 92 degree heat that almost killed me) and then I just started feeling lazy and lonely. I just feel like something is missing. And I can't understand what it is or how I could get it. It's just one of those feelings that I can't shake. I'm not even sure I have anything else to talk about today. If anybody is actually reading this, whoever you are, you should really listen to today's song. It could make me cry at the drop of a hat, especially on a day like today, but it's just so pretty.
Thanks for reading
Love,
Rachel
Saturday, May 26, 2012
a simple plot but I know one day, good things are coming our way
Today's song: Up With The Birds by Coldplay
I know what you're thinking. Another blog song by Coldplay? But you can't blame a girl. They are the best band in the entire world. And plus, I'm clearly on a Mylo Xyloto kick right now. Moving right along, today was a good day! My sister and her boyfriend left for Australia this afternoon. So lucky, right?! This will be her second time there and I'm so jealous. But she's going to send me postcards which fits perfectly into my whole postcard obsession.
I got to go to dinner with one of my best girlfriends...we went to Olive Garden which made it all the more fantastic! It was the perfect thing to get me out of the house. Not to mention, we had ample time to exchange recent news with each other. And by recent news, I mean updates on the gentlemen in our lives. I got to telling her about the conversations me and F have been sharing and her final words on the matter were "I like him. He seems like a nice guy. But he needs to get it together with you." I'm so glad I can tell her everything and she feels exactly the same way about it as I do. It made me feel like I wasn't completely crazy for wanting what I do. Maybe we're both crazy and what I want really is impossible, but at least I have someone to talk to about it. Isn't that just the best? When you can tell one of your good friends something and you just know no matter how crazy you sound or whatever the subject may be, they won't judge your or tell you you're wrong. It's so comforting, like warm blankets from a dryer.
On my drive home I decided it was too nice outside to have the windows rolled up and the AC blasting. So I rolled down all my windows, cranked up the volume on my music to the point where I could scream-sing without anybody knowing, and took the long way home. It was that perfect night lighting outside where everybody looks kind of pale but lovely. I love that time of night...I think that's twilight? I could be wrong. Anyway, it was just the perfect summer night to be driving around, blasting all my favorite songs and singing like there was no tomorrow. It was just what I needed.
Plus I'm wearing a cute outfit so you really can't have a bad day then, right?
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
I know what you're thinking. Another blog song by Coldplay? But you can't blame a girl. They are the best band in the entire world. And plus, I'm clearly on a Mylo Xyloto kick right now. Moving right along, today was a good day! My sister and her boyfriend left for Australia this afternoon. So lucky, right?! This will be her second time there and I'm so jealous. But she's going to send me postcards which fits perfectly into my whole postcard obsession.
I got to go to dinner with one of my best girlfriends...we went to Olive Garden which made it all the more fantastic! It was the perfect thing to get me out of the house. Not to mention, we had ample time to exchange recent news with each other. And by recent news, I mean updates on the gentlemen in our lives. I got to telling her about the conversations me and F have been sharing and her final words on the matter were "I like him. He seems like a nice guy. But he needs to get it together with you." I'm so glad I can tell her everything and she feels exactly the same way about it as I do. It made me feel like I wasn't completely crazy for wanting what I do. Maybe we're both crazy and what I want really is impossible, but at least I have someone to talk to about it. Isn't that just the best? When you can tell one of your good friends something and you just know no matter how crazy you sound or whatever the subject may be, they won't judge your or tell you you're wrong. It's so comforting, like warm blankets from a dryer.
On my drive home I decided it was too nice outside to have the windows rolled up and the AC blasting. So I rolled down all my windows, cranked up the volume on my music to the point where I could scream-sing without anybody knowing, and took the long way home. It was that perfect night lighting outside where everybody looks kind of pale but lovely. I love that time of night...I think that's twilight? I could be wrong. Anyway, it was just the perfect summer night to be driving around, blasting all my favorite songs and singing like there was no tomorrow. It was just what I needed.
Plus I'm wearing a cute outfit so you really can't have a bad day then, right?
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
Friday, May 25, 2012
better yet make your girlfriend disappear
Today's song: Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne
I'd like to start this post out by saying that my blog song of the day is kind of a joke. It's a really obnoxious song, but at the same time - it's obnoxiously fantastic. Go ahead and YouTube that shit and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. I wish I could just spend this whole post blabbering about Avril Lavigne and what a cheesy, god-awful sell-out she is but how her music can still have the power to speak to any girl on the planet, but I know that's not my real problem.
I'm back where I started again. I haven't felt like this is since...maybe the summer of 2010. Perhaps even earlier. It's not even that I'm particularly sad because in this situation I'm in, I knew there could only be one outcome. At least for now. Which is silly of me to even say because I'm just writing it there to make myself feel a little better. Like some day, I'll just put all the pieces together and everything will fit perfectly in its place and I'll be happy as a clam. But does anybody ever really do that? I wouldn't know. Sorry, I'm kind of a scatterbrain right now and this is probably not making a lot of sense. Let me try to explain how I got to this point.
I told you about my dream I had yesterday - the one with the guy whose name is F? Yes, we all remember. Well in real life, I like F a lot. And I completely fucked everything up this past fall because I was confused and selfish, wrapped up in my own emotionally draining relationship. I had my chance with a good guy and as most young and stupid girls do, I passed it by like it was nothing. After months of being with my ex and having doubts about everything more often than not, I realize that I made a mistake. Don't get me wrong, the year and some months that my ex and I had together were full of laughs and love and all that good stuff but it's one of those cliche things where it just "wasn't meant to be". So here I am, so sure of what I want now. And guess what? It's too late. I feel like I'm in one of those awful high school romantic comedy movies and at this point I'd be sitting on my terrace, some sappy music playing in the background, and I'd be daydreaming of what if. Except in the movies, F would realize that he's also made a huge mistake by being with his current girlfriend. He'd run over to my house and climb up my terrace and we'd live happily ever after. BUT. Since I don't have a terrace and this is not a movie, none of that will happen. I don't mean to be such a Negative Nancy and I apologize for whining. If his girlfriend makes him happy, I should be happy right? Why is it so hard then?
I suppose I'll leave you with a quote from a movie that when I first saw, I passionately hated. But I have grown to love it and watch it over and over again, no matter how many times HBO decides to play it.
"What and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if?
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
I'd like to start this post out by saying that my blog song of the day is kind of a joke. It's a really obnoxious song, but at the same time - it's obnoxiously fantastic. Go ahead and YouTube that shit and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. I wish I could just spend this whole post blabbering about Avril Lavigne and what a cheesy, god-awful sell-out she is but how her music can still have the power to speak to any girl on the planet, but I know that's not my real problem.
I'm back where I started again. I haven't felt like this is since...maybe the summer of 2010. Perhaps even earlier. It's not even that I'm particularly sad because in this situation I'm in, I knew there could only be one outcome. At least for now. Which is silly of me to even say because I'm just writing it there to make myself feel a little better. Like some day, I'll just put all the pieces together and everything will fit perfectly in its place and I'll be happy as a clam. But does anybody ever really do that? I wouldn't know. Sorry, I'm kind of a scatterbrain right now and this is probably not making a lot of sense. Let me try to explain how I got to this point.
I told you about my dream I had yesterday - the one with the guy whose name is F? Yes, we all remember. Well in real life, I like F a lot. And I completely fucked everything up this past fall because I was confused and selfish, wrapped up in my own emotionally draining relationship. I had my chance with a good guy and as most young and stupid girls do, I passed it by like it was nothing. After months of being with my ex and having doubts about everything more often than not, I realize that I made a mistake. Don't get me wrong, the year and some months that my ex and I had together were full of laughs and love and all that good stuff but it's one of those cliche things where it just "wasn't meant to be". So here I am, so sure of what I want now. And guess what? It's too late. I feel like I'm in one of those awful high school romantic comedy movies and at this point I'd be sitting on my terrace, some sappy music playing in the background, and I'd be daydreaming of what if. Except in the movies, F would realize that he's also made a huge mistake by being with his current girlfriend. He'd run over to my house and climb up my terrace and we'd live happily ever after. BUT. Since I don't have a terrace and this is not a movie, none of that will happen. I don't mean to be such a Negative Nancy and I apologize for whining. If his girlfriend makes him happy, I should be happy right? Why is it so hard then?
I suppose I'll leave you with a quote from a movie that when I first saw, I passionately hated. But I have grown to love it and watch it over and over again, no matter how many times HBO decides to play it.
"What and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if?
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
Thursday, May 24, 2012
sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Today's song: Dream A Little Dream Of Me by The Mamas & The Papas
Do you ever have one of those dreams that is just perfect? You know the kind - you're in such a deep sleep and you subconsciously know you may be indulging yourself, but you just become more and more swept away by how wonderful everything in DreamLand can be. I've noticed that I usually have the most vivid dreams when I fall asleep completely exhausted.
I woke up relatively early this morning to go out shopping with my mother for work clothes (aka shorts of an acceptable length and a one piece bathing suit...gag me). Overall, it was a pretty successful shopping trip and I got all of what I needed, plus some. But after returning home and grabbing a bite to eat, I was ready to nap. So I came upstairs, got myself snuggled up in bed and fell asleep with the most perfect evening lighting coming through my window.
I have to say, this dream was nothing special. I mean, I wasn't Wonder Woman, riding a unicorn to Emerald City to see the wizard or anything like that. Michael Phelps wasn't even there. The only "perfect" things were the beach-front mansion I was apparently residing in and the person I was spending all my time with...let's call him F. So in this dream, F and I were sitting on the beach, drinking wine out of coffee mugs. I don't know why we were using coffee mugs...maybe because I always thought it would be kind of funny to do...I'm weird, I realize this. So we're sitting there, sipping our wine, slowly getting that funny-drunk when everything is just grand and you're so happy you could fall over. I vaguely remember getting up at some point and tossing my mug aside so I could put my feet in the ocean, which was lovely. All of a sudden, we're in this huge beautiful dream house and I couldn't tell if we were packing or unpacking; but there were a lot of cardboard boxes filled with home-y stuff. F was standing in the kitchen pouring us more wine (in actual glasses this time) and rummaging through the boxes for something. I got shnuggled up in the most perfect gray sweatshirt, picked up my glass of wine and was twirling around the kitchen for a while listening to some delightful music playing from somewhere inside the house. Then F said he had to go upstairs to find something so I plopped myself down on this big comfy couch in the living room. F came back downstairs and told me that we were out of tape (????) to which I told him "Don't worry, it'll be fine". He came around the couch and sat down, threw his arms around me and kissed me on my cheek. I was giggling and happy as ever. I leaned into him and there we sat. Together and perfect. He was wearing his glasses and I took them off and put them on myself and laughed. F picked up a camera from the end table and we took goofy pictures of each other, laughing the whole time. I got up and he chased me out to the porch, overlooking the beach. By now it was evening and the sun was setting (perfect. I know, right?). I had the camera and continued taking pictures of the beach while F laid down on the floor of the porch. I stumbled over and straddled him, taking a picture of his face, smiling. I moved beside him and all of a sudden, it was like a television was on and I heard a news show starting. I sat up and realized I was just waking up from my nap in my bedroom at home, and my mother had just turned on the local news station.
What a let down. But it was so perfect. I know I've probably overused that word in this post but that's the only word for it. As you can imagine, I was perturbed when I realized that my dream wasn't my real life. Maybe someday though, right? A girl can dream...
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
Do you ever have one of those dreams that is just perfect? You know the kind - you're in such a deep sleep and you subconsciously know you may be indulging yourself, but you just become more and more swept away by how wonderful everything in DreamLand can be. I've noticed that I usually have the most vivid dreams when I fall asleep completely exhausted.
I woke up relatively early this morning to go out shopping with my mother for work clothes (aka shorts of an acceptable length and a one piece bathing suit...gag me). Overall, it was a pretty successful shopping trip and I got all of what I needed, plus some. But after returning home and grabbing a bite to eat, I was ready to nap. So I came upstairs, got myself snuggled up in bed and fell asleep with the most perfect evening lighting coming through my window.
I have to say, this dream was nothing special. I mean, I wasn't Wonder Woman, riding a unicorn to Emerald City to see the wizard or anything like that. Michael Phelps wasn't even there. The only "perfect" things were the beach-front mansion I was apparently residing in and the person I was spending all my time with...let's call him F. So in this dream, F and I were sitting on the beach, drinking wine out of coffee mugs. I don't know why we were using coffee mugs...maybe because I always thought it would be kind of funny to do...I'm weird, I realize this. So we're sitting there, sipping our wine, slowly getting that funny-drunk when everything is just grand and you're so happy you could fall over. I vaguely remember getting up at some point and tossing my mug aside so I could put my feet in the ocean, which was lovely. All of a sudden, we're in this huge beautiful dream house and I couldn't tell if we were packing or unpacking; but there were a lot of cardboard boxes filled with home-y stuff. F was standing in the kitchen pouring us more wine (in actual glasses this time) and rummaging through the boxes for something. I got shnuggled up in the most perfect gray sweatshirt, picked up my glass of wine and was twirling around the kitchen for a while listening to some delightful music playing from somewhere inside the house. Then F said he had to go upstairs to find something so I plopped myself down on this big comfy couch in the living room. F came back downstairs and told me that we were out of tape (????) to which I told him "Don't worry, it'll be fine". He came around the couch and sat down, threw his arms around me and kissed me on my cheek. I was giggling and happy as ever. I leaned into him and there we sat. Together and perfect. He was wearing his glasses and I took them off and put them on myself and laughed. F picked up a camera from the end table and we took goofy pictures of each other, laughing the whole time. I got up and he chased me out to the porch, overlooking the beach. By now it was evening and the sun was setting (perfect. I know, right?). I had the camera and continued taking pictures of the beach while F laid down on the floor of the porch. I stumbled over and straddled him, taking a picture of his face, smiling. I moved beside him and all of a sudden, it was like a television was on and I heard a news show starting. I sat up and realized I was just waking up from my nap in my bedroom at home, and my mother had just turned on the local news station.
What a let down. But it was so perfect. I know I've probably overused that word in this post but that's the only word for it. As you can imagine, I was perturbed when I realized that my dream wasn't my real life. Maybe someday though, right? A girl can dream...
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
through chaos as it swirls, it's us against the world
Today's song: Us Against The World by Coldplay
I skipped a day! Noooo! I thought I was going to have more time/energy yesterday after I went out for drinks with my friend from high school. But alas, I had one too many margaritas. It was a great time though. We tried to go downtown to this semi-swanky place. We had a couple mojitos (delish!) but old people started filing in and we decided some good old Mad Mex would be a better choice. So we headed over there and ordered ourselves some "Big Azz Margaritas"...literally a huge cup full of tequila, with a splash of mix. But who am I to complain? It was perfect. Upon my return home, I no longer felt tired so I decided my best move would be to get on Facebook. Let me tell you, it was not my best move. I left this guy I like a VIDEO. And I mean like...a DRUNK. VIDEO. So embarrassing! I mean, I was going on and on about how I miss him and how my hair was being too big. Which actually, it wasn't. I was having a really great hair day actually. He ended up finding it hilarious though so I suppose if I was able to make him laugh, what's a little embarrassment?
Moving right along to today, I've had quite an on-off day with my mother. Sometimes she treats me like I'm five years old and I don't mean to sound like a whiney tween or anything...I love my mother. I think she is a strong and beautiful woman. But she really knows how to get under my skin. It's like all day, we could not carry on a normal conversation. We would start talking about one thing, and then the next thing I know, she is bossing me around and telling me what I'm doing wrong and how I need to fix this and that. I just hate that. It gets to the point where I know she's trying to do it "out of love" or whatever, but it gets to be a bit annoying when you're twenty-one and your own mother doesn't even trust you to remember to apply sunscreen. I'm trying not to complain too much because things have been going alright lately, but I had to have a mini-rant at least! Plus, we did end up watching You Got Mail (one of our shared favorite movies) and making fun of my Facebook friends for a while, so that was pretty enjoyable.
On another note, my ex sent me a really sweet text this evening. He must have been thinking about when we first met, judging from his message. It was so out of left field though, that I wasn't even sure how to respond. It got me thinking about this past year and all the fun we've had together. But I just have to keep stopping myself. It's not good for either one of us right now and I think I'm doing an okay job of moving forward and not concentrating on it.
Tomorrow is my shopping for a work uniform day with my mother so we'll how much fun that will be...
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
I skipped a day! Noooo! I thought I was going to have more time/energy yesterday after I went out for drinks with my friend from high school. But alas, I had one too many margaritas. It was a great time though. We tried to go downtown to this semi-swanky place. We had a couple mojitos (delish!) but old people started filing in and we decided some good old Mad Mex would be a better choice. So we headed over there and ordered ourselves some "Big Azz Margaritas"...literally a huge cup full of tequila, with a splash of mix. But who am I to complain? It was perfect. Upon my return home, I no longer felt tired so I decided my best move would be to get on Facebook. Let me tell you, it was not my best move. I left this guy I like a VIDEO. And I mean like...a DRUNK. VIDEO. So embarrassing! I mean, I was going on and on about how I miss him and how my hair was being too big. Which actually, it wasn't. I was having a really great hair day actually. He ended up finding it hilarious though so I suppose if I was able to make him laugh, what's a little embarrassment?
Moving right along to today, I've had quite an on-off day with my mother. Sometimes she treats me like I'm five years old and I don't mean to sound like a whiney tween or anything...I love my mother. I think she is a strong and beautiful woman. But she really knows how to get under my skin. It's like all day, we could not carry on a normal conversation. We would start talking about one thing, and then the next thing I know, she is bossing me around and telling me what I'm doing wrong and how I need to fix this and that. I just hate that. It gets to the point where I know she's trying to do it "out of love" or whatever, but it gets to be a bit annoying when you're twenty-one and your own mother doesn't even trust you to remember to apply sunscreen. I'm trying not to complain too much because things have been going alright lately, but I had to have a mini-rant at least! Plus, we did end up watching You Got Mail (one of our shared favorite movies) and making fun of my Facebook friends for a while, so that was pretty enjoyable.
On another note, my ex sent me a really sweet text this evening. He must have been thinking about when we first met, judging from his message. It was so out of left field though, that I wasn't even sure how to respond. It got me thinking about this past year and all the fun we've had together. But I just have to keep stopping myself. It's not good for either one of us right now and I think I'm doing an okay job of moving forward and not concentrating on it.
Tomorrow is my shopping for a work uniform day with my mother so we'll how much fun that will be...
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
Monday, May 21, 2012
From my shipwreck I heard her call and she sang
Today's song: Don't Let It Break Your Heart by Coldplay
Today, I'm trying to teach myself a lesson in how to appreciate the little things. It all started when I was out for my now daily run. I was looping around one of the many culs de sac in my neighborhood, when off in the distance I could see a boy playing basketball. As I got closer, I noticed that this boy just so happened to be shirtless. And gorgeous. I mean, tall, gleaming with sweat, mussy hair from being outside...perfect. I was feeling pretty confident with my choice of running outfit that day and I didn't think at that point that my hair looked too shabby. So I circled around the cul de sac and was now facing this fine young man. Rihanna was pumping through my head phones and into my head, boosting my confidence and making me feel...almost...sexy? Thus, I decided I would boldly "flash him a smile" as they say in Cosmopolitan magazine...which yes, is my guilty pleasure. I usually don't do this kind of thing because I'm a pretty shy girl and try to avoid eye contact with strangers most of the time. Back to the story, I was about to get to his driveway and I did it! I flashed him my best smile and wiped the sweat from my forehead (hot, I know right?). And guess what happened?! He flashed ME a smile and waved! I know it may sound silly or like I'm an attention seeking whore (which I promise you I'm not) but it was just what I needed to boost my confidence a little from yesterday. I don't even know this guy...not his name, not his age - nothing. And that's what was so perfect about it. It was just a few-seconds moment between two strangers but it was precisely what I needed.
Then while in the shower, I realized that I have a slight tan line beginning to show where my tank top stops and the skin on my arms starts showing. I never get too tan so I was pretty excited. I'm off to see a movie tonight with my sister and Dad which isn't all that exciting but it'll be nice to get out of the house. I also found a bottle of nail polish that I've been missing for about half a year now and it's the most perfect shade of summer red! I even got to talk to my best friend for a little bit this afternoon. She's studying abroad so I don't get the chance to talk to her all that often so when I do, it's wonderful and makes my day. I have a God-sent cup of ice water sitting next to me and I'm listening to my favorite band and keeping up with my blog like I said I would. I'm content. Even if it's just those tiny things...they're making my day.
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
Today, I'm trying to teach myself a lesson in how to appreciate the little things. It all started when I was out for my now daily run. I was looping around one of the many culs de sac in my neighborhood, when off in the distance I could see a boy playing basketball. As I got closer, I noticed that this boy just so happened to be shirtless. And gorgeous. I mean, tall, gleaming with sweat, mussy hair from being outside...perfect. I was feeling pretty confident with my choice of running outfit that day and I didn't think at that point that my hair looked too shabby. So I circled around the cul de sac and was now facing this fine young man. Rihanna was pumping through my head phones and into my head, boosting my confidence and making me feel...almost...sexy? Thus, I decided I would boldly "flash him a smile" as they say in Cosmopolitan magazine...which yes, is my guilty pleasure. I usually don't do this kind of thing because I'm a pretty shy girl and try to avoid eye contact with strangers most of the time. Back to the story, I was about to get to his driveway and I did it! I flashed him my best smile and wiped the sweat from my forehead (hot, I know right?). And guess what happened?! He flashed ME a smile and waved! I know it may sound silly or like I'm an attention seeking whore (which I promise you I'm not) but it was just what I needed to boost my confidence a little from yesterday. I don't even know this guy...not his name, not his age - nothing. And that's what was so perfect about it. It was just a few-seconds moment between two strangers but it was precisely what I needed.
Then while in the shower, I realized that I have a slight tan line beginning to show where my tank top stops and the skin on my arms starts showing. I never get too tan so I was pretty excited. I'm off to see a movie tonight with my sister and Dad which isn't all that exciting but it'll be nice to get out of the house. I also found a bottle of nail polish that I've been missing for about half a year now and it's the most perfect shade of summer red! I even got to talk to my best friend for a little bit this afternoon. She's studying abroad so I don't get the chance to talk to her all that often so when I do, it's wonderful and makes my day. I have a God-sent cup of ice water sitting next to me and I'm listening to my favorite band and keeping up with my blog like I said I would. I'm content. Even if it's just those tiny things...they're making my day.
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Wondering could you stay my love?
Today's song: Dreaming With a Broken Heart by John Mayer
Today isn't so good. Actually no, that's somewhat of a lie. Until about seven minutes ago, my day was going pretty good. I finally finished all of my laundry *applause* which was mildly exciting! I skipped out on church which I don't feel very good about, but I went for a run instead. I ran longer than I did yesterday and wasn't as exhausted doing it which felt kind of nice. I got back home, did my ab workouts and was feeling pretty accomplished. I showered, sat around, watched television, ate dinner and watched part of a movie. Then I came upstairs just now to check my Facebook/Twitter (like I have any friends...) and realized that I hadn't been on my blog today! OH NO! While deciding which songs to listen to while I write, I was reminded of a good friend of mine and decided to listen to some good ol' John Mayer. Leave it up to me to put on the most depressing of his songs in my opinion - Dreaming With a Broken heart (which as you can see, is today's blog song). I have always loved this song, in its own depressing kind of way. But I had never really payed any attention to the lyrics or what he was saying.
This first section of lyrics (what is that called? stanza? no, that's poetry...VERSE). Yes this verse of the song stood out to me this evening for some reason. It's just a very true idea I think. After I had broken up with my boyfriend, I stayed in bed for hours on end, ignoring school work, classes, friends...any of the normal things I do on a regular basis were shoved away in some kind of "I'm too sad" closet. I was too "depressed" to make myself crawl out of bed even to take a shower. Which I realize now is kind of gross and everything but you catch my drift. I was a broken-hearted girl in her early twenties. This was to be expected. I ate my feelings and listened to sad music. I called my now, ex boyfriend and cried to him on the phone. We saw each other here and there actually...even spent a few nights together, each time promising it would be "our last night together". We never "did" anything (in the R rating kind of sense), just cuddled and told each other how much we'd miss one another. I know it sounds bad and like I'm just reverting back to my old thoughts but I just wish I could spend five minutes back there. I mean way back to when everything was new and fun. I'm sure we all have our ex's that we think about like that. We know it wouldn't be a good idea at all because we would just be spiraling back to where all this pain began, but wouldn't it be grand if that didn't have to happen? If we could just go back for a day or two and immerse ourselves in that new, flirty, lovey-dovey honeymoon stage? And then of course immediately stop ourselves and come back to reality? I guess it wouldn't be possible because we'd most likely just want to stay there forever...like a vacation. I would never move to some white sanded, crystal blue water'd beach because that would take the fun out of it. I suppose that's why that whole honeymoon stage is special. Because after a while it may fade a bit (which is sadly, natural). But say you're married for thirty years and are still blissfully in love. You can always go back to that honeymoon stage if you try. You just can't live there. We'd all be goo-goo eyed idiots if we could do that. I guess it's just another one of those "life isn't fair" or "life can be cruel" kind of deals. Once it's over, you want it back immediately. And once you realize that you can't do that, it's torturously difficult to move on.
Who knows, maybe this is all a backwards, roundabout sign of me moving forward and maturing. I hope so because I am a really ugly crier.
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
Today isn't so good. Actually no, that's somewhat of a lie. Until about seven minutes ago, my day was going pretty good. I finally finished all of my laundry *applause* which was mildly exciting! I skipped out on church which I don't feel very good about, but I went for a run instead. I ran longer than I did yesterday and wasn't as exhausted doing it which felt kind of nice. I got back home, did my ab workouts and was feeling pretty accomplished. I showered, sat around, watched television, ate dinner and watched part of a movie. Then I came upstairs just now to check my Facebook/Twitter (like I have any friends...) and realized that I hadn't been on my blog today! OH NO! While deciding which songs to listen to while I write, I was reminded of a good friend of mine and decided to listen to some good ol' John Mayer. Leave it up to me to put on the most depressing of his songs in my opinion - Dreaming With a Broken heart (which as you can see, is today's blog song). I have always loved this song, in its own depressing kind of way. But I had never really payed any attention to the lyrics or what he was saying.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
This first section of lyrics (what is that called? stanza? no, that's poetry...VERSE). Yes this verse of the song stood out to me this evening for some reason. It's just a very true idea I think. After I had broken up with my boyfriend, I stayed in bed for hours on end, ignoring school work, classes, friends...any of the normal things I do on a regular basis were shoved away in some kind of "I'm too sad" closet. I was too "depressed" to make myself crawl out of bed even to take a shower. Which I realize now is kind of gross and everything but you catch my drift. I was a broken-hearted girl in her early twenties. This was to be expected. I ate my feelings and listened to sad music. I called my now, ex boyfriend and cried to him on the phone. We saw each other here and there actually...even spent a few nights together, each time promising it would be "our last night together". We never "did" anything (in the R rating kind of sense), just cuddled and told each other how much we'd miss one another. I know it sounds bad and like I'm just reverting back to my old thoughts but I just wish I could spend five minutes back there. I mean way back to when everything was new and fun. I'm sure we all have our ex's that we think about like that. We know it wouldn't be a good idea at all because we would just be spiraling back to where all this pain began, but wouldn't it be grand if that didn't have to happen? If we could just go back for a day or two and immerse ourselves in that new, flirty, lovey-dovey honeymoon stage? And then of course immediately stop ourselves and come back to reality? I guess it wouldn't be possible because we'd most likely just want to stay there forever...like a vacation. I would never move to some white sanded, crystal blue water'd beach because that would take the fun out of it. I suppose that's why that whole honeymoon stage is special. Because after a while it may fade a bit (which is sadly, natural). But say you're married for thirty years and are still blissfully in love. You can always go back to that honeymoon stage if you try. You just can't live there. We'd all be goo-goo eyed idiots if we could do that. I guess it's just another one of those "life isn't fair" or "life can be cruel" kind of deals. Once it's over, you want it back immediately. And once you realize that you can't do that, it's torturously difficult to move on.
Who knows, maybe this is all a backwards, roundabout sign of me moving forward and maturing. I hope so because I am a really ugly crier.
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Sing it out loud and let yourself free
Today's song: The Golden Age by The Asteroids Galaxy Tour
Day two! I'd say I'm doing pretty fabulously so far at keeping up with this whole daily writing thing (haaaaaha). Anywho, I've had another pretty good day! I woke up from the strangest dream though...I was in Oakland on this particular afternoon, just walking around enjoying the city. All of a sudden I walked up to this huge white Escalade, jumped in, somehow turned the car on and started speeding around! Obviously this car did not belong to me but I had not a single care in the world. The police started chasing me and it turned into one of those insane high-speed chases you see on television shows. Eventually, I sped away from the police and pulled over in a parking lot. The owner of the vehicle was standing there waiting...I handed him the keys and casually walked away as if nothing had happened. And that was it. I'm not sure if this means I secretly have a criminal mind of sorts or what, but it's pretty strange, yeah?
Moving right along, I'm still buried in my mountains of laundry. Although in my defense, the amount of clothing I have in my possession that does not belong to me is unbelievable. I mean, I have hoodies, shirts on shirts on shirts, even some socks. Insanity. After throwing yet another load into the washer, I decided that today would be the first day of my workout routine that I'm starting up! It seems like every summer, by the time I wake up, bum around for a bit and finally get dressed and get my ipod and sneakers ready to go, it is THE hottest part of the day. Today for instance, I left my house at about 3:20pm. It was about eighty degrees but I didn't mind. More sweat + more struggle = more fun, right? Yes! So I ran around my neighborhood which is about three miles all around, if you go into each nook and cranny, which I am proud to say that I did. Okay, okay I may have not ran the entire time but I still made it around the whole thing. By the time I got back I was pretty red in the face and out of breath. I grabbed myself a cup of ice cold water and came to my room to do my ab circuit. I could barely see straight but isn't that just the best feeling? When you know that you've worked out so hard and you just feel so exhaustedly pleased with yourself? I sat down on my bedroom floor only to realize that I had not planned out any kind of ab exercises to do. I know a whole bunch but I'm not professional trainer and had no idea which ones I should do or if there is a specific order I should do them in. I did some google-ing and texted my workout loving brother and came up with a nice little list...
Crunches - 30 sec
Leg raises - 30 sec
Bicycles - 30 sec
Russian twists - 30 sec
Side plank - 30 sec/side
Reg. plank - 30 sec
So I did all those, then repeated it two more times. I felt pretty accomplished afterwards. Not only were my legs burning and screaming at me to sit down, but my abs could barely hold themselves together as I walked to the shower. I'm feeling pretty good about myself today...no complaints, for once! This entry may have been a little boring but I didn't really go out in the world and do anything besides run around my neighborhood like a sweaty fool.
Thanks for reading anyways :)
Love,
Rachel
Day two! I'd say I'm doing pretty fabulously so far at keeping up with this whole daily writing thing (haaaaaha). Anywho, I've had another pretty good day! I woke up from the strangest dream though...I was in Oakland on this particular afternoon, just walking around enjoying the city. All of a sudden I walked up to this huge white Escalade, jumped in, somehow turned the car on and started speeding around! Obviously this car did not belong to me but I had not a single care in the world. The police started chasing me and it turned into one of those insane high-speed chases you see on television shows. Eventually, I sped away from the police and pulled over in a parking lot. The owner of the vehicle was standing there waiting...I handed him the keys and casually walked away as if nothing had happened. And that was it. I'm not sure if this means I secretly have a criminal mind of sorts or what, but it's pretty strange, yeah?
Moving right along, I'm still buried in my mountains of laundry. Although in my defense, the amount of clothing I have in my possession that does not belong to me is unbelievable. I mean, I have hoodies, shirts on shirts on shirts, even some socks. Insanity. After throwing yet another load into the washer, I decided that today would be the first day of my workout routine that I'm starting up! It seems like every summer, by the time I wake up, bum around for a bit and finally get dressed and get my ipod and sneakers ready to go, it is THE hottest part of the day. Today for instance, I left my house at about 3:20pm. It was about eighty degrees but I didn't mind. More sweat + more struggle = more fun, right? Yes! So I ran around my neighborhood which is about three miles all around, if you go into each nook and cranny, which I am proud to say that I did. Okay, okay I may have not ran the entire time but I still made it around the whole thing. By the time I got back I was pretty red in the face and out of breath. I grabbed myself a cup of ice cold water and came to my room to do my ab circuit. I could barely see straight but isn't that just the best feeling? When you know that you've worked out so hard and you just feel so exhaustedly pleased with yourself? I sat down on my bedroom floor only to realize that I had not planned out any kind of ab exercises to do. I know a whole bunch but I'm not professional trainer and had no idea which ones I should do or if there is a specific order I should do them in. I did some google-ing and texted my workout loving brother and came up with a nice little list...
Crunches - 30 sec
Leg raises - 30 sec
Bicycles - 30 sec
Russian twists - 30 sec
Side plank - 30 sec/side
Reg. plank - 30 sec
So I did all those, then repeated it two more times. I felt pretty accomplished afterwards. Not only were my legs burning and screaming at me to sit down, but my abs could barely hold themselves together as I walked to the shower. I'm feeling pretty good about myself today...no complaints, for once! This entry may have been a little boring but I didn't really go out in the world and do anything besides run around my neighborhood like a sweaty fool.
Thanks for reading anyways :)
Love,
Rachel
Friday, May 18, 2012
Revamping
For the past few days, I've been in a funk. And I don't mean any kind of funk. I mean a break-up, bad grades, moving back home, missing my best friends kind of funk. It's like too many things are going on at once and I can't even find the emotional capacity to deal with all of them...or any for that matter. It's now Friday evening, I've been home since Sunday afternoon...and somewhere between crying myself to sleep and trying to deal with having to live with my parents for the next three months, I had a kind of epiphany.
I think the event that really pushed me over the pathetic edge I was standing on, and into the reality of summer was finding out that I landed my dream job, working at the YMCA as a camp counselor. Then this morning, I got a random surge of energy when I awoke from my precious twelve-hour slumber. I was going to get shit done today. I mean, what the heck was I doing? I hadn't even unpacked my clothing. I've been living off a weeks-worth of undies and awful combinations of shorts and t-shirts that refuse to match properly (which if you know me well, is bothering me to no end). I need to unpack! And I need to exercise! And I need to fucking get over myself and enjoy my summer!
Phew! So I ate my breakfast, unloaded my suitcases and started my laundry. Now I know that may not seem like any huge feat to anybody, but if you could only see the condition I was in. It was like someone had sucked the happy (and cleanliness) out of me. Gross. I was not happy-Rachel and I was beginning to get on my own nerves. I had been sitting around on Facebook and Twitter, hating people who were happy...going away on trips, studying abroad, starting new relationships or just enjoying themselves in general. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, who I've known for about a year and a half and I've been struggling with that. By struggling, I mean sleeping in his t-shirts and clutching the stuffed bear he gave me for Valentine's Day. I actually got into an argument with my mother and she used my breakup against me which blew any kind of confidence I had going right out the window. It's not that I'm one hundred percent over it, but I need to move on. And I feel really good about that...and from there I think everything else has room to improve. I don't need some guy to be talking to 24/7. I don't need to share every detail of my life with someone else. I want to do good for myself...I want to write, I want to exercise, I want to go to my job and actually enjoy it...there's an endless list of possibilities I suppose.
So back to my day...I took a shower, washed off all the grime and hate and depression and just kept doing my laundry...like a boss. Then I remembered this blog that I haven't written anything on since last summer. Which is kind of sad, because this was supposed to be my summer project that I wouldn't give up on. But maybe this summer it will actually work. I think I was going in the wrong direction with it before. I wanted it to be something that I just wasn't even comfortable doing. I want to write about how I'm feeling and I don't really care if anybody reads it or not. It's something for me. I want to prove to myself that I can set this goal and stick with it till the end of the summer...at least! It's going to be going in a different direction from now. A kind of "everyday girl" perspective. I realize it may just sound like I'm some self-centered girl who can't get enough of talking about herself and her life, and that may be true for all you know, but I don't care. Read this or not, enjoy it or not. I'm just putting it out there. Because you know what? I bet there's someone out there, some boy who wants to know what goes on inside a girl's head, or some girl who just wants to read something she can relate to. Either way, I'm excited to be writing again.
And now here I am - content, excited, rejuvenated (sort of).
Thanks for reading
Love,
Rachel
I think the event that really pushed me over the pathetic edge I was standing on, and into the reality of summer was finding out that I landed my dream job, working at the YMCA as a camp counselor. Then this morning, I got a random surge of energy when I awoke from my precious twelve-hour slumber. I was going to get shit done today. I mean, what the heck was I doing? I hadn't even unpacked my clothing. I've been living off a weeks-worth of undies and awful combinations of shorts and t-shirts that refuse to match properly (which if you know me well, is bothering me to no end). I need to unpack! And I need to exercise! And I need to fucking get over myself and enjoy my summer!
Phew! So I ate my breakfast, unloaded my suitcases and started my laundry. Now I know that may not seem like any huge feat to anybody, but if you could only see the condition I was in. It was like someone had sucked the happy (and cleanliness) out of me. Gross. I was not happy-Rachel and I was beginning to get on my own nerves. I had been sitting around on Facebook and Twitter, hating people who were happy...going away on trips, studying abroad, starting new relationships or just enjoying themselves in general. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, who I've known for about a year and a half and I've been struggling with that. By struggling, I mean sleeping in his t-shirts and clutching the stuffed bear he gave me for Valentine's Day. I actually got into an argument with my mother and she used my breakup against me which blew any kind of confidence I had going right out the window. It's not that I'm one hundred percent over it, but I need to move on. And I feel really good about that...and from there I think everything else has room to improve. I don't need some guy to be talking to 24/7. I don't need to share every detail of my life with someone else. I want to do good for myself...I want to write, I want to exercise, I want to go to my job and actually enjoy it...there's an endless list of possibilities I suppose.
So back to my day...I took a shower, washed off all the grime and hate and depression and just kept doing my laundry...like a boss. Then I remembered this blog that I haven't written anything on since last summer. Which is kind of sad, because this was supposed to be my summer project that I wouldn't give up on. But maybe this summer it will actually work. I think I was going in the wrong direction with it before. I wanted it to be something that I just wasn't even comfortable doing. I want to write about how I'm feeling and I don't really care if anybody reads it or not. It's something for me. I want to prove to myself that I can set this goal and stick with it till the end of the summer...at least! It's going to be going in a different direction from now. A kind of "everyday girl" perspective. I realize it may just sound like I'm some self-centered girl who can't get enough of talking about herself and her life, and that may be true for all you know, but I don't care. Read this or not, enjoy it or not. I'm just putting it out there. Because you know what? I bet there's someone out there, some boy who wants to know what goes on inside a girl's head, or some girl who just wants to read something she can relate to. Either way, I'm excited to be writing again.
And now here I am - content, excited, rejuvenated (sort of).
Thanks for reading
Love,
Rachel
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