Today isn't so good. Actually no, that's somewhat of a lie. Until about seven minutes ago, my day was going pretty good. I finally finished all of my laundry *applause* which was mildly exciting! I skipped out on church which I don't feel very good about, but I went for a run instead. I ran longer than I did yesterday and wasn't as exhausted doing it which felt kind of nice. I got back home, did my ab workouts and was feeling pretty accomplished. I showered, sat around, watched television, ate dinner and watched part of a movie. Then I came upstairs just now to check my Facebook/Twitter (like I have any friends...) and realized that I hadn't been on my blog today! OH NO! While deciding which songs to listen to while I write, I was reminded of a good friend of mine and decided to listen to some good ol' John Mayer. Leave it up to me to put on the most depressing of his songs in my opinion - Dreaming With a Broken heart (which as you can see, is today's blog song). I have always loved this song, in its own depressing kind of way. But I had never really payed any attention to the lyrics or what he was saying.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
This first section of lyrics (what is that called? stanza? no, that's poetry...VERSE). Yes this verse of the song stood out to me this evening for some reason. It's just a very true idea I think. After I had broken up with my boyfriend, I stayed in bed for hours on end, ignoring school work, classes, friends...any of the normal things I do on a regular basis were shoved away in some kind of "I'm too sad" closet. I was too "depressed" to make myself crawl out of bed even to take a shower. Which I realize now is kind of gross and everything but you catch my drift. I was a broken-hearted girl in her early twenties. This was to be expected. I ate my feelings and listened to sad music. I called my now, ex boyfriend and cried to him on the phone. We saw each other here and there actually...even spent a few nights together, each time promising it would be "our last night together". We never "did" anything (in the R rating kind of sense), just cuddled and told each other how much we'd miss one another. I know it sounds bad and like I'm just reverting back to my old thoughts but I just wish I could spend five minutes back there. I mean way back to when everything was new and fun. I'm sure we all have our ex's that we think about like that. We know it wouldn't be a good idea at all because we would just be spiraling back to where all this pain began, but wouldn't it be grand if that didn't have to happen? If we could just go back for a day or two and immerse ourselves in that new, flirty, lovey-dovey honeymoon stage? And then of course immediately stop ourselves and come back to reality? I guess it wouldn't be possible because we'd most likely just want to stay there forever...like a vacation. I would never move to some white sanded, crystal blue water'd beach because that would take the fun out of it. I suppose that's why that whole honeymoon stage is special. Because after a while it may fade a bit (which is sadly, natural). But say you're married for thirty years and are still blissfully in love. You can always go back to that honeymoon stage if you try. You just can't live there. We'd all be goo-goo eyed idiots if we could do that. I guess it's just another one of those "life isn't fair" or "life can be cruel" kind of deals. Once it's over, you want it back immediately. And once you realize that you can't do that, it's torturously difficult to move on.
Who knows, maybe this is all a backwards, roundabout sign of me moving forward and maturing. I hope so because I am a really ugly crier.
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
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