Today's song: Someday We'll Know by Mandy Moore and Johnathan Foreman
I've been day dreaming a lot today. I'll see something on television or Facebook or something of the like and I catch myself zoning out and thinking about what it would be like to be somebody else...somewhere else. I was watching Eat Pray Love and wondered what it would be like to actually just get up one day, so unhappy with your life, and feel the intense need to get out of your marriage and your town and do something just for yourself. While exploring the world would be so much fun, that kind of thing scares me. Julia Roberts always seems to be playing those kinds of characters. In Larry Crowne the same thing happens with her marriage - little by little she realizes how they have nothing in common anymore. She realizes that she is falling out of love and gets a divorce, just as in Eat Pray Love. I'm terrified that something like that would happen to me. I don't have very good judgment about people and have made some pretty regrettable decisions in my life thus far. I don't want to be one of those people though. Nowadays, everybody knows at least one couple who seemed to be in love, got married and now it's completely broken. My parents are like that. They really should split up but for whatever reason, they won't. I don't want to end up like that, regretting my choices. Especially on something so important.
It may not be at the top of the list for a lot of people - love. But it's at the top of mine. Not in the naive "i wanna b in luv" kind of way, I mean the real falling in love with each other more and more every single day (even when you're old of age and sitting in rocking chairs) kind of love.
I have this one friend who is so opposed to falling in love, getting married and having a family. She won't admit to it, but she really is one of those ultra-feminists who "think like a man" and use guys for sex. I don't think I could do that. No, I know I couldn't. I've been there before when some guy had screwed me over so I tried to just go for the whole meaningless sex thing. It doesn't work. But my friend won't admit to that. She recently had a long-term boyfriend but it ended badly and now she's back to her old self. So in my opinion, she really does believe in the whole lovey-dovey thing but she just refuses to admit that it's what she may want someday.
I'm not saying every girl everywhere has to think like I do. I know there are a lot of people who want to go out and get their careers started and work for the rest of their lives, social life on the side. But I don't want that. I can't see myself doing that. I want to fall in love. I want to get married. I want to see the world with that person and then settle down and have a family with that person. I want kids and I want to stay at home and take care of them. I had a great childhood with my brother and sister and I think it's because my mother was there with us. Things have drastically changed now, but I have so many great memories of growing up and doing fun things all the time with my mother that I can't imagine not being able to give that to my future children. I know it sounds crazy, and I feel crazy saying it because I'm only twenty-one but I sometimes wish I was one of those people who already knew who they were going to marry. I know a girl my age who just got engaged two days ago. She's so lucky! She'll have her life planned out for her. That sounds so perfect to me. I know it's not going to happen any time soon for me, if at all, but I like thinking about it. Not that I want to go out and get preggo tomorrow (please God, no) but in a few years, if it was with the right person and I was in the right place in my life, it's what I would love. That's my dream.
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
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