Today's song: Your Arms Around Me by Jens Lekman
I cannot wait to be out on my own. My parents are always on my case about how irresponsible I am and how often I forget things. I'm not one of those brats that has problems now and is blaming them all on how my parents raised me. But some of those big things I really do partially blame my parents for. For example, handling money. I'm awful with money. I have no concept of how much things are (I mean the big things like rent or textbooks or school, etc.) and I have no concept of how much I should be saving versus how much I can allow myself to spend. I know people my age who are great at managing their money. They've been forced to have a job since they started high school and they were expected to pay for things by themselves, not ask their parents for the money all the time. I did have jobs in high school, but it was never something I had to do. And now I sort of resent that. My parents now pay for me to go to school - they give me money for my books, rent, tuition, groceries and anything else I really need for school along the way. I had a job this past year and I used most of that money to pay for frivolous things like clothes or throwing parties at our house.
Not only the whole responsibility thing, but I also just want to be...not living with my parents anymore. If I have to spend one more summer at home after this one, I think I may actually jump of a bridge (speaking of which, I had a dream about jumping off a bridge last night...coincidence?). I don't want to sound like some whiney teenager who is just too angst-y to live at home anymore, but I am truly past the point of being able to handle it gracefully. The nagging, the "It's my house, my rules", the constant need for me to be downstairs hanging out with my parents, when all they do is complain about not only each other but also me and all my inadequacies: It's so unbearable! They're both always telling me that I spend too much time up in my room or on my computer "doing God knows what" as my mother likes to say. But then when I do go downstairs to try and hang out with either of them, here's how it goes:
Situation 1: My mother. I sit down on the couch in the family room with her and we watch television. Something will come up on a show that reminds my mother that she has to remind me to do something or clean something or tell me how irresponsible/fat I am. My feelings get hurt so I get up and leave. Then she's mad at me that I never want to sit down there with her.
Situation 2: I go into my dad's study to hang out with him, maybe watch a little tennis on television. He literally sits there doing one of three things. One is he will silently watch whatever show is on. Two is he will make the most Captain Obvious comments about the show. Three is he will sit there, give me the remote to watch what I want while he does something on his iPad. I get bored so I get up and leave. Then he's mad at me that I never want to sit down there with him.
Do either one of those options sound delightful? Didn't think so.
Yet another reason why I want to just get out on my own, I just want to have my own space to decorate/clean however I please. I want to be able to project my own style onto the walls of my own apartment or wherever I move in the future. I know I have to clean, but I hate other people telling me when to do it or how to do it. That was a major problem in my house this past year at school (5 ladies living together, go figure) and it was just so annoying. And my mother does the same thing now. I'm not a pig, I promise you. I like things to be clean but I like a little eclectic clutter. Books and magazines, nail polish and hair accessories. I need that stuff to be around so it feels like it's home. It may sound strange to some people, but that's just how I like things.
I just want to be treated like I'm actually a twenty-one year old. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
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