Today's song: Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne
I'd like to start this post out by saying that my blog song of the day is kind of a joke. It's a really obnoxious song, but at the same time - it's obnoxiously fantastic. Go ahead and YouTube that shit and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. I wish I could just spend this whole post blabbering about Avril Lavigne and what a cheesy, god-awful sell-out she is but how her music can still have the power to speak to any girl on the planet, but I know that's not my real problem.
I'm back where I started again. I haven't felt like this is since...maybe the summer of 2010. Perhaps even earlier. It's not even that I'm particularly sad because in this situation I'm in, I knew there could only be one outcome. At least for now. Which is silly of me to even say because I'm just writing it there to make myself feel a little better. Like some day, I'll just put all the pieces together and everything will fit perfectly in its place and I'll be happy as a clam. But does anybody ever really do that? I wouldn't know. Sorry, I'm kind of a scatterbrain right now and this is probably not making a lot of sense. Let me try to explain how I got to this point.
I told you about my dream I had yesterday - the one with the guy whose name is F? Yes, we all remember. Well in real life, I like F a lot. And I completely fucked everything up this past fall because I was confused and selfish, wrapped up in my own emotionally draining relationship. I had my chance with a good guy and as most young and stupid girls do, I passed it by like it was nothing. After months of being with my ex and having doubts about everything more often than not, I realize that I made a mistake. Don't get me wrong, the year and some months that my ex and I had together were full of laughs and love and all that good stuff but it's one of those cliche things where it just "wasn't meant to be". So here I am, so sure of what I want now. And guess what? It's too late. I feel like I'm in one of those awful high school romantic comedy movies and at this point I'd be sitting on my terrace, some sappy music playing in the background, and I'd be daydreaming of what if. Except in the movies, F would realize that he's also made a huge mistake by being with his current girlfriend. He'd run over to my house and climb up my terrace and we'd live happily ever after. BUT. Since I don't have a terrace and this is not a movie, none of that will happen. I don't mean to be such a Negative Nancy and I apologize for whining. If his girlfriend makes him happy, I should be happy right? Why is it so hard then?
I suppose I'll leave you with a quote from a movie that when I first saw, I passionately hated. But I have grown to love it and watch it over and over again, no matter how many times HBO decides to play it.
"What and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if?
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel
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