I can feel it in your kiss - it just gives me tender bliss

Today's song: Love by Matt White

I haven't been on here in quite a while. Going back and reading my past few entries makes me realize how much can change in such a small amount of time. I feel completely different than I did when I wrote my last entry...that's not to say it's a bad thing or I don't still care about the person I wrote about, I just realize now that it was one of those "not meant to happen" situations. And for once in my life, I can feel myself maturing and not throwing a fit about it. I'm at a good place in my life and I'm so happy to just be.
But back to what I started with, it's so strange seeing things changing so fast around me - whether they involve me or not. I'm not sure if I've written anything about it yet but my sister got engaged recently. Things like that, aren't they funny? One day he's just her boyfriend and she's just his girlfriend. They're living together, they love each other, that's all well and good. But then the next day comes and they have made a promise to each other...to make a promise to each other to spend the rest of their lives committed to one another. It's beautiful, isn't it?
I've also noticed more and more people posting picture of their new babies on Facebook, which personally I find very cheesy and useless but I digress. Still, it makes me stop for a minute and look at that baby's face - a chubby little combination of the love of his or her parents. That's probably the most drastic thing I can think of. Actually finding out you're pregnant is one thing, but I imagine one day having a giant belly and the next coming home with an entirely new human being, a piece of you, it must be such an extraordinary thing! I think that all the time when I see babies or hear about someone finding out they're pregnant. It must be so overwhelming, but I imagine it to be so in a way that is the most marvelously overwhelming feeling in the world. Like being in love!
Yet another funny instance of things changing quite suddenly. One day I was buying tequila that was on sale and getting very drunk with my best friend, the next thing I know I'm going out with my old crush and falling in love with him like I am fifteen all over again. Only this time it's wonderful. It's can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kind of stuff.  It's like nothing I've ever experienced before and it feels so good. It's making me appreciate what I have and it's teaching me to just be happy for what is. It's a huge change in my life and I'm so grateful and lucky to have it. It was so sudden and the feelings we exchanged were so rapidly decided but it is honestly the happiest I have ever felt in my twenty-one years. Not that I'm complaining about the speed or intensity of how it all happened though...it seems some of the greatest things humans can experience in life (i.e. falling in love, sharing that love with a child) can happen so quickly and change you so drastically. But that's why they're so great and fun, right?
Love,
Rachel

there isn't even a song...

Today, there isn't even a song. Any little thing I can think of that would usually make me feel better just isn't working anymore. Do you ever get that sinking feeling like everything you're doing is absolutely the opposite of what you should be doing and there's nothing you can possibly do to stop it? Like you're never good enough, you're never organized enough, you're never charming enough, you never have the right answers...that's how I feel today. I haven't felt this low in a long time. I actually can't remember any time I've felt this awful about myself. And I keep making these sad little attempts at making myself feel better and I keep getting shot down. And I can't even be upset about it anymore. I literally have no more tears to cry or fits to have. There's simply nothing. I'm more trouble than I'm worth, I think. I wish I could disappear.
And I'm sorry this is such a depressing and short post (although I bet nobody wants to read more of this) and it probably seems like I'm whining and maybe I am. But if you knew how I felt or the things I've heard lately, you'd agree with me that I have a right to whine. There's nobody I can say all of this out loud to, or even have a measly internet conversation about it with, but I needed to get it out somehow and I guess this is my way of doing that.
Love,
Rachel

nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time

Today's song: All You Need Is Love by The Beatles (duh!)

I don't know what's been going on with my lately but I've been having a lot of positive epiphany-like discoveries. It's not like they're some world changing, cure for cancer thoughts or anything but they're kind of a big deal for me I suppose.
I'm around people all day, everyday now with the job that I have. Dealing with parents in the morning, kids for eight hours, parents again in the late afternoon, and whoever I decide to spend my evenings and weekends with. There's always people around. I've always been one of the types to enjoy a good people watching session. I love sitting somewhere, like on a bench outside of a public place or wherever pretty much, and just watching people. Obviously not in the creepy way. But one thing that I'm guilty of (as well as my friends who also enjoy people watching) is being judgmental of the people I see. Instead of just watching and enjoying life happening around me, I'm looking at someone and instantly hating them for something they said or something they're wearing. It's so shallow. I have no idea who these people are! And yet I insist upon making these harsh judgments about them anyways. Quite often, I find myself and my friends saying "I hate people." as in, just in general, hating people for no good reason. It's meant to be a joke but I think sometimes we get carried away. And I don't just mean me and my group of friends. I mean everyone, everywhere.
I had a conversation last night with a good friend of mine about Woodstock...you know, the crazy hippy concert? Yes, that's the one. But he asked me if I knew what it was really meant to be about and after thinking about it for a minute, I had no good answer. He's pretty up on all the history of anything you could be wondering about so he lit up like a little kid on Christmas morning and proceeded to tell me all about it. Like that it was supposed to be about peace. For those few days that the music festival took place on, I guess everybody was just at peace with each other. Apparently the food vendors ran out of food at one point (the crowds weren't expected to be so large) and people had to share food with their neighbors and friends. And that's how they got by. According to my history buff friend, there were only two deaths but eighty births. Eighty! At a music festival! But the point of it was to spread peace and show the country that we could hold it together and we could have the power to love one another. What a beautiful thing that must have been.
I think we've lost a lot of that nowadays, myself being the first to admit it. I've always made fun of certain groups of people for doing things a certain way or for enjoying certain activities without even trying any of it myself or thinking that they just have a different mindset than I do...and that should be perfectly acceptable. To each his own!
Thanks for reading
Love,
Rachel

and baby, your love is gonna change me

Today's song: Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble

So far in my life, I've realized that I definitely read into things too much. Not all the time, but a good majority of it. As with most things in life, this can be both good and bad. About 90% of the time, I'd put it in the bad category but on days like today, I kind of like that about myself. I went to the YMCA to get my work out on (yay me!) and ran into this girl who has been friends with my brother since they were in grade school together...and that was forever ago. But we got to talking and were asking each other about how things are going, how's school, how's summer, are you dating anybody, etc. When I answered that last question with "No, I recently broke up with somebody", her face almost lit up and she responded with "No way! Me too! And I'm enjoying being single so much!" and I have to say, I admire her. Not that being in a loving relationship with somebody can be a wonderful, beautiful thing. Of course it can.

But ever since me and my ex-boyfriend broke up at the end of the school year, it's just been this awful negative thing looming over me. And if you tell anybody that you're just recently out of a relationship, you get the look. You know what I'm talking about - that sympathetic, almost patronizing look like "Ohhh you must be devastated". At first, yes of course I was devastated. But after a certain period of time, once you realize that maybe this just wasn't meant to be, you have to move on. And maybe thinking about being single as a positive thing is the way to go! 

I mean, why shouldn't being single be fun? Not that you have to slut yourself around town or anything along those lines, but we all deserve a little fun! A little flirting, a little "me" time. It's good for us all. And having hope. I usually hate that word because people overuse it and it's just thrown around in so many situations that it loses its power, kind of like love. I think it is important though - in every aspect of your life - including relationships. I truly believe that there is someone out there for everybody. It might take you years and years to find your other half, but I believe it will happen to everyone who is open to it. I think it's great to enjoy the single life, and to have hope for your future. It's not necessary to run out and find yourself your next relationship. But the dream of one is always a nice thing to have. It's like in You Got Mail when Meg Ryan's character realizes that her relationship isn't what it used to be and that both parties have fallen out of love with each other. It's a very adult breakup in my opinion and a great example of people being able to part ways without any animosity and I love it. But her (now ex) boyfriend asks her if there's someone else and she replies "No...but there is the dream of someone else". I love that line.

See what I mean about thinking too much into things? A simple conversation with someone can set me off on a life-advice rant. I just can't help myself though!

Thanks for reading

Love,

Rachel

p.s. I'll leave you with another quote, written by one of my favorite authors (Jane Austen), that I absolutely love. Perhaps it will provide you with your very own kind of hope for what you have waiting for you in your future..."There could have been no two hearts so open, no tastes so similar, no feelings so in unison, no countenances so beloved." 

we'll build a house of driftwood, keep it simple, simple is good

Today's song: Always Remember Me by Ry Cuming

I dreamt that I'd tell you,

I dreamt I'd convince you.

I dreamt you would love me

and I too would love you.

I dreamt of perfection,

a dream so romantic.

I dreamt you would smile

and carefully panic.

I dreamt you would hug me.

I dreamt we would both see,

together we're better -  

I dreamt you weren't choosy.

I dreamt up the ways

of how I could tell you.

I dreamt up bouquets

and a time and place too.

I dreamt that I told you.  

I dreamt that I could do.

I dreamt that it happened.  

I dreamt of a breakthrough.

instead i told you

at 3am drunk on facebook

and i took it back the next morning

Thanks for reading

Love,

Rachel

as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs and sit alone and wonder how you're making out

Today's song: Screaming Infidelities by Dashboard Confessional

Fuck everything and fuck everyone. I just want one thing to go right. Is that too much to ask? It really must be. I want people to stop being so awful. Myself included. I don't get what it is about people and their emotions but it's just fucking insane. We should just think with our heads and make decisions based on facts and concrete information. Things would be so much easier that way and nobody's feelings would ever get hurt. I can't even describe it right now. I just can't get the words to come out. I don't know if I'm denying what I want to say or if I really am confused about it. I'm so angry.

And even as I typed all of that I know it's not even me typing it. It's like my schizophrenic other personality or something (I'm not really schizophrenic, throwing that out there). I should probably name her because every once in a while she comes out and I'm practically a black hole of hate that sucks everything in that crosses my path. I'm going to call her Rosalie. She's sometimes a real bitch and sometimes really angry and just makes everything impossible. She sometimes comes out when I'm drunk, too. Rosalie sounds like a bitchy enough name right?

If you've ever read White Girl Problems by Babe Walker, you know exactly what I'm talking about with this crazy other side of myself that comes out and ruins things for me. She says things that are just absurd and not at all how I really feel but she'll say them anyways. She likes to express every mean thought I've ever tried to hold inside myself. She's jealous of every happiness other people have. She makes me think of all the negatives in my life. She makes me sound selfish and needy and rude and terrible. I wish there was an easier way of explaining Rosalie but there really isn't. It's like I can't stop her from happening. And I (Rachel) have to deal with the repercussions of her actions and words once she's done hurricane-ing through town and wrecking everything possible. 

If you have or ever do come into contact with her, all I can say is that I'm sorry. 

Thanks for reading

Love,

Rosalie

we'll find somewhere the streets are paved with gold

Today's song: U.F.O. by Coldplay

Alright, seriously. Listen to that song and you will be happy for days. I just got back from a weekend in Philadelphia with my family and listened to Coldplay all the way home (about six wonderful hours). Even through my dad's terrible driving aka near death experiences, my mother's complaining about said near death experiences, and their World War III over who should pick the radio station, I was happy because I was in the back seat, jamming to the best band in the entire world.
I love long car rides which may seem kind of strange considering I have recently been extremely prone to motion sickness. But once we get started and I know I just have hours and hours ahead of me to think about nothing or everything and anything, I get this calm feeling and I'm so simply happy. I love sitting in the back seat of my family's mini van, by myself listening to music and looking out the window at the world passing us by. I don't really understand why people are always complaining about taking long trips like that. Even when we drive to Chicago to visit our relatives and we're in the car for so many hours it's insane, I still have such a good time. I can't really put a finger on it but I think it's a mixture of getting to be on the road traveling to somewhere other than home, listening to all my favorite music and just having some time all to myself. Although don't get me wrong, I love road trips with my friends because they're full of laughs and terrible singing and speeding down the highway without a care in the world. I love going anywhere really. I could be traveling to the middle of nowhere for nothing all that important and I'd still have so much fun doing it.
Actually on our way to Philly, we didn't leave till around 6:30pm so we were driving in the sunset/dark most of the time. We were right in the mountains when the sun started setting and it was really one of those moments that takes your breath away. I don't mean to sound like some tree-hugging nature freak but it really made me glad to just be alive and doing something. I don't know, I just felt so lucky to be living under that beautiful sky. As it got darker, we were out in the middle of nowhere where you could clearly see all the stars in the sky. It made me think of those cheesy lines in movies when some couple is in love but in different locations and they always say something like "We're still under the same sky" or that "We're looking at the same moon" kind of thing. It just got me thinking, how absolutely magical that is. I mean, think of all the people out there in the entire world, and we're all under the same sky. If I was one of those couples who was trying the whole long distance thing, I feel like that would be so comforting. No matter how far away you are - different cities, different states, different countries, different continents - it's all under the same sky. I don't know why that thought is so stuck in my head, but I'm in love with the idea. It seems so romantic.
Thanks for reading
Love,
Rachel

no one ever said it would be this hard, oh take me back to the start

Today's song: The Scientist by Coldplay

Firstly, I have to say that today's blog song is my absolute favorite song in the entire world...of all time. And it forever will be. It flows out of my speakers with the most beautiful music and lyrics that pull at my heart in a new way each time I listen to it. I don't think I've ever listened to it and felt the exact same way as another time. I don't know if that makes any sense but I'm not concerned. That song feels like coming home. It feels like wrapping yourself up in the most emotional place you can think of. It feels like falling in love. It feels like letting go. It feels like all the best things in life mixed in with the most painful. It feels like Coldplay at its finest.
Secondly, I'd like to venture into the world of a perfect cry. I don't know about the male species, but I know females and I know that every once in a while, we all need to just sit ourselves down, think about something sad, and have a nice little sob and cry out everything we're feeling until we feel like we don't have anything left to cry. It's like the most confusing thing in the entire world. I mean, how can sobbing uncontrollably for fifteen minutes make a person feel better? I'm not sure about the psychology behind it but I do know that I broke myself down this evening and let myself revel in the greatness of this so called perfect cry. I put on my best sad music and thought about things that have been bothering me recently and I just let it all out. It was painful to say the least, but the whole time I knew that I'd feel better when it was all over.
Thirdly, I want to talk about things coming to an end. You know, whenever I think of something being over, I've never had it actually be completely one hundred percent over. Things always have a way of making themselves known again for me and I'm not quite sure yet if it's a blessing or a curse. I guess no matter how many times I can tell myself that this is it, it never truly is. It's like there's some unearthly control over my heart, fighting against my brain's will power. And usually my head stands defeated. People are always saying that things just have a way of ending or panning themselves out until there is nothing left. But to counter that, I'm always saying that things have a way of coming back, whether they should or not (yet again, I'm really not quite sure if that's good or bad). I'm really rambling here, as usual. I tend to never be able to use words to describe exactly how I'm feeling or say exactly what I want to say. It's like my mind cannot keep up with my feelings. Maybe that's my problem. Basically in any situation where I am giving a choice between using logic or emotion, I will instantly choose emotion. I was born in March which makes me a Pisces...I'm pretty sure they're supposed to be emotional people so maybe that has something to do with it, after all. I don't know if this is making any sense or if it's in any way coherent. I'm not even sure if anybody is reading this...or if anyone ever will. But I am saying what I want to, no matter how difficult it is or whose feelings I hurt (even if they're my own) or how hard it might be for others to understand.
Thanks for reading
Love,
Rachel

p.s. F, if you're reading this, I miss us already

when you love someone but it goes to waste, could it be worse?

Today's song: Fix You by Coldplay

I guess I'll give up.

Love,
Rachel

I wanna know just who you're talking to when you're singin' in your sleep

Today's song: Do You Love Me? by Guster

Today was my first day of camp training! I was kind of nervous about it because I'm not very good meeting new people. I tend to be very shy and don't talk a lot. Unless it's a situation where I instantly click with someone, it takes me a long time to warm up and act like my loud, sarcastic, fun-loving self. And I hate this about myself. My best friend from home and I always talk about it and have found over the years that many people take our shyness and see it as us being snooty or too "goody two shoes" to talk to anybody. That's really not at all what either one of us are like. I love talking and getting to know people! I'm just the queen of awkward conversations. But today I woke up and listened to the most smile-enducing playlist and decided today I would be different. I would put myself out there and talk to people. I was going to introduce myself and ask questions. I want to have fun this summer and I want to make friends at camp so I don't hate this job (like every other one I've had) and to do that, I figured  I should actually put some effort into making these friends.
I arrived at camp and actually got there at the same time as another girl...we looked like we were there for the same thing so I went up and asked her if she was there for training. Hey guess what?! She was. We introduced ourselves and as it turns out, people aren't so bad. We had  to play all these ridiculous games throughout the day and it came to a surprise to me that when you are outgoing and don't care if you look a little foolish (come on, we all did), those games can actually be a lot of fun. I think I finally got over my insecurities and fear about meeting people! I met some great people and it's given me confidence enough to believe that this summer is going to be tons of fun.
Other than that, not a lot happened today. My sister comes home from Australia tonight...and by tonight I mean one in the morning. Even though I'm thoroughly exhausted and I'm probably going to hate myself tomorrow morning, I think I'll stay up to welcome her back. I have a strange feeling she'll have a ring on her finger...that may have something to do with me wanting to stay up and see her!
Anyway, I found this really great poem today that after reading just the first line, I was in love with. It's written by E.E. Cummings so obviously it has to be good, right? Right. I guess that's what I'll leave you with today...a little piece of beautiful love.

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
my heart) I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet ) I want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

Thanks for reading :)

Love,

Rachel

but I realize that I need you and I wondered if I could come home

Today's song: First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes

I went for my usual run today, but instead of listening to music that would make someone want to exercise or "pump you up", I played my "RunCalm" playlist. It's a mix I made a few months ago when I was upset about something so as it turns out, it's also a pretty decent playlist if you just want to sit around and mope about how sad (but not really) your life is. I woke up and did a lot today and after all of it, I didn't really feel like exercising. I felt calm and finally organized and at home. It was a good feeling. But that little voice in the back of my head telling me I need to get in shape kept bothering me so I threw on my sneakers and headed outside. As I'm running along, listening to all my sad songs, I started to think. Of course.
You know what I hate? Being punished for something that was said in the past. It's so obnoxious in my opinion. If someone were to ask you how you're feeling one day, and you say, I don't know, that you're feeling miserable about something you did. Then a period of time passes and the same person asks you how you're feeling and you say that you're doing a lot better and you're happy as can be. But then that person tells you that you can't be happy now because you used to be miserable. That's the kind of hypothetical situation I'm talking about. How unfair is that? And it's not even logical. When you ask a person how they're feeling about something or tell them that you care enough to sit there and listen to whatever it is that he or she may have to say, that person will fall for it and believe that you really care. So don't throw it back in their face. That throws off the whole balance of things and makes the person with all the feelings (that were supposed to be kept private in the first place) feel miserable and pathetic. I'm one of those girls who is kind of guarded about her feelings. I don't like confrontation (good or bad), I don't like sharing things, I don't like talking about feelings. But if a situation arises and I decide that maybe there is a person I can trust with my feelings, a person who I trust won't judge me for them, a person who I believe to be the right person to share everything with, I'll go ahead and share. CLEARLY I have a shit ton of feelings that I don't talk about with actual people. If you've been reading this blog, you know this about me. I tend to change my mind a lot, which infuriates me so I could only imagine how it would make someone else feel. But when you're the one who wanted to break down my protective walls and you're the one who was always asking me how I felt, why is it now such a negative thing? Why do I feel so stupid about it no matter how many times you tell me I shouldn't? Why can't thinks just go back to the way they used to be? I really want them to. I'd do anything to just have a little bit of how it used to be.
It was a long run, thinking about all of this. I ran almost double the distance I usually do which I guess is good. But the whole time I probably looked like some nutcase shaking my head at myself and furrowing my brow, lost in thought. I feel much better getting that off my chest...I guess even if nobody is reading, this blog is good for something!
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel

but if you ask me, the feeling that I'm feeling is overwhelming

Today's song: Prettiest Friend by Jason Mraz

You know that song that goes "these are a few of my favorite things"? I think sipping on a passion tea lemonade, curled up in a big comfy chair in the corner of a bookstore, reading your new book should be added to the list.
I woke up today to an extremely dreary, gray and rainy day but I felt refreshed and wanting to do something. My older brother's birthday is coming up this weekend and I've been putting off shopping for a gift for him, partially because I am awful at gift-giving for my family. You ask me to think of a gift for some friend of a friend that I have never met and I could give you a million great suggestions. But when it comes to my own flesh and blood, I am a complete failure. So there I was this morning, racking my brain for some kind of solution to my problem. I thought of the generic things like shirts or perhaps another bow tie! But no, that just wouldn't do. My brother always gives the best gifts and I really wanted to give him something he'd actually enjoy. He's one of those people though that if they need something, they go and buy it for themselves. It's not like they'll say anything like "Oh you know what I could really use?". It just doesn't happen with him. So then I thought of things he enjoyed. My brother is somewhat of a jock but not the type you're probably thinking of. He's more of a rowing, running marathons, bicycle racing kind of guy. And then there's his most recent love - photography. And then it hit me - coffee table book! I know this may not sound like the most exciting birthday gift, but if you knew my brother, you'd know that he's weirdly into that kind of thing. Him and his girlfriend just decorated their apartment (it's such a perfect little apartment...so jealous!) so I figured, why not help them with accessorizing? That was my plan.
When I arrived at the bookstore however, I did not find my ideal book. I searched the sports section and came out empty handed...I wasn't about to give him a biography of Lance Armstrong. Then I saw a section that seemed to be chock-full of coffee table-like books. I scampered over and was disappointed yet again. By this point I was a bit worried that my brilliance was going to go to waste and I'd end up trudging over to the mall to buy him an unexciting, impersonal gift. But then, as I was walking through the discount section, a bright orange book with guess what? - A BICYCLE on the front cover happened to catch my eye! It wasn't a coffee table book, just a regular looking one entitled Bicycle Diaries. I picked it up and read the description and it was beyond perfect. It's the story of a man who travels all around the world (mostly Europe) and bikes as much as he possibly can along the way. I couldn't have found a better book! Especially considering my brother and his lady are contemplating moving to Europe within the next couple years. It was fate! I must admit, from then on I was doing a little shopping for myself. But then I got caught up in some strange miscellaneous section and found a book called Bike Snob. I started reading it and even I was enthralled with the jokes and illustrations. I felt so lucky, then! I had finally done it. I was finally going to give my brother a fantastic gift that I am absolutely certain he will love...he better!
I felt like I had conquered the world so I bought myself some Starbucks, found myself one of those overstuffed chairs tucked back in a corner and cracked open the book I had found for myself. I must have stayed there for at least an hour or so. It made me wish I was one of those people that lived in a small town with a home-y bookstore that I could just sit in all afternoon, reading books and keeping to myself. I've kind of forgotten how much I love to read, just for the pleasure of it. Everybody's so bogged down all the time at school with awful textbook readings or terribly boring novels for class that it completely takes the fun out of it. It takes the fun out of that moment when you pick up a new book, read the back cover and instantly just know it's going to be a great read. It even takes the fun of going to your local library and finding yourself a book, opening up the pages, and just smelling that distinctly library smell. I don't know about you, but that smell is heaven. (Technically) it's sort of gross I suppose but it reminds me of being younger and going to the library every week. I used to love reading. Maybe this summer I can rekindle the flame - with real books and not a Kindle. Haaaahaha see what I did there? I crack myself up.
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel

one day I'll go dancing on the moon

Today's song: Someday We'll Know by Mandy Moore and Johnathan Foreman

I've been day dreaming a lot today. I'll see something on television or Facebook or something of the like and I catch myself zoning out and thinking about what it would be like to be somebody else...somewhere else. I was watching Eat Pray Love and wondered what it would be like to actually just get up one day, so unhappy with your life, and feel the intense need to get out of your marriage and your town and do something just for yourself. While exploring the world would be so much fun, that kind of thing scares me. Julia Roberts always seems to be playing those kinds of characters. In Larry Crowne the same thing happens with her marriage - little by little she realizes how they have nothing in common anymore. She realizes that she is falling out of love and gets a divorce, just as in Eat Pray Love. I'm terrified that something like that would happen to me. I don't have very good judgment about people and have made some pretty regrettable decisions in my life thus far. I don't want to be one of those people though. Nowadays, everybody knows at least one couple who seemed to be in love, got married and now it's completely broken. My parents are like that. They really should split up but for whatever reason, they won't. I don't want to end up like that, regretting my choices. Especially on something so important.
It may not be at the top of the list for a lot of people - love. But it's at the top of mine. Not in the naive "i wanna b in luv" kind of way, I mean the real falling in love with each other more and more every single day (even when you're old of age and sitting in rocking chairs) kind of love.
I have this one friend who is so opposed to falling in love, getting married and having a family. She won't admit to it, but she really is one of those ultra-feminists who "think like a man" and use guys for sex. I don't think I could do that. No, I know I couldn't. I've been there before when some guy had screwed me over so I tried to just go for the whole meaningless sex thing. It doesn't work. But my friend won't admit to that. She recently had a long-term boyfriend but it ended badly and now she's back to her old self. So in my opinion, she really does believe in the whole lovey-dovey thing but she just refuses to admit that it's what she may want someday.
I'm not saying every girl everywhere has to think like I do. I know there are a lot of people who want to go out and get their careers started and work for the rest of their lives, social life on the side. But I don't want that. I can't see myself doing that. I want to fall in love. I want to get married. I want to see the world with that person and then settle down and have a family with that person. I want kids and I want to stay at home and take care of them. I had a great childhood with my brother and sister and I think it's because my mother was there with us. Things have drastically changed now, but I have so many great memories of growing up and doing fun things all the time with my mother that I can't imagine not being able to give that to my future children. I know it sounds crazy, and I feel crazy saying it because I'm only twenty-one but I sometimes wish I was one of those people who already knew who they were going to marry. I know a girl my age who just got engaged two days ago. She's so lucky! She'll have her life planned out for her. That sounds so perfect to me. I know it's not going to happen any time soon for me, if at all, but I like thinking about it. Not that I want to go out and get preggo tomorrow (please God, no) but in a few years, if it was with the right person and I was in the right place in my life, it's what I would love. That's my dream.
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel

and I know we could happen, cause you know that I've been feeling you

Today's song: We Could Happen by AJ Rafael

I found the most adorable, happy, "in like with someone" playlist on 8tracks just a bit ago and I thought I'd share it with you instead of just throwing on song out there...it's called "So go ahead and ask her". It's the perfect compilation of songs that will put a smile on your face and make you think of that one person that makes you get butterflies in your tummy. I just want to listen to this music all day and daydream my real life away, if at all possible.
That has to do with how great the music is, but also how bored I am. I have absolutely nothing to do in my house - OH MY GOODNESS. I think I just had a miniature heart attack. Here I am, sitting at my desk in my room minding my own business when I hear this big crash! The calendar I have hanging next to my bed just flew off the wall and knocked down a humongous pile of CD's. Good God! This is a mess. And that was terrifying! I don't understand how it happened either considering that calendar has been successfully hanging in that same spot for about two years now (yes, I forget to change my calendars). Perhaps I have a ghost. I'm pretty convinced that I do in fact have something following me around though.
That all started my sophomore year of college when me and my best friend lived in an apartment together. It was a pretty decent place but weird things would happen every once in a while. For instance, the one night, I was in my bedroom trying to fall asleep, my friend was in her room doing the same. All of a sudden, we hear this loud banging noise like someone was in our kitchen and had dropped a bunch of pots and pans and things. I screamed and ran into my friend's room, to find her sitting up in bed with the same look of horror on her face. Neither one of us had any idea what had happened and we were both too terrified to go out into the kitchen to investigate. This past year at school, me and my friends moved into a big old house. Everyone was convinced that it was haunted. I guess a bunch of times people would be there by themselves and would hear noises like someone was walking around on the second floor. Doors would sometimes close themselves and not in rooms that had windows or where wind would even have any kind of effect. It happened to me a few times and once when I was there all weekend by myself, I had gone upstairs to take a shower. When I went in, my one roommate's bedroom door was open and her lights were all off. When I got out of the shower, the door was still open but the lights were on. I know nobody else was in the house, especially upstairs so it was pretty creepy. That was all pretty strange but I got used to it, which is very strange considering I am the most easily scared person. And I'm not talking about your average scared. I mean like little kid, afraid of the dark, will scream in horror at scary movies kind of scared. It's all probably just me, terrifying myself by analyzing every little sound or gust of wind in my house but I can't help myself!
Anyway, this post turned into something unexpected and kind of useless. Oh well!
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel

and we were heading for the sea

Today's song: Your Arms Around Me by Jens Lekman

I cannot wait to be out on my own. My parents are always on my case about how irresponsible I am and how often I forget things. I'm not one of those brats that has problems now and is blaming them all on how my parents raised me. But some of those big things I really do partially blame my parents for. For example, handling money. I'm awful with money. I have no concept of how much things are (I mean the big things like rent or textbooks or school, etc.) and I have no concept of how much I should be saving versus how much I can allow myself to spend. I know people my age who are great at managing their money. They've been forced to have a job since they started high school and they were expected to pay for things by themselves, not ask their parents for the money all the time. I did have jobs in high school, but it was never something I had to do. And now I sort of resent that. My parents now pay for me to go to school - they give me money for my books, rent, tuition, groceries and anything else I really need for school along the way. I had a job this past year and I used most of that money to pay for frivolous things like clothes or throwing parties at our house.
Not only the whole responsibility thing, but I also just want to be...not living with my parents anymore. If I have to spend one more summer at home after this one, I think I may actually jump of a bridge (speaking of which, I had a dream about jumping off a bridge last night...coincidence?). I don't want to sound like some whiney teenager who is just too angst-y to live at home anymore, but I am truly past the point of being able to handle it gracefully. The nagging, the "It's my house, my rules", the constant need for me to be downstairs hanging out with my parents, when all they do is complain about not only each other but also me and all my inadequacies: It's so unbearable! They're both always telling me that I spend too much time up in my room or on my computer "doing God knows what" as my mother likes to say. But then when I do go downstairs to try and hang out with either of them, here's how it goes:
Situation 1: My mother. I sit down on the couch in the family room with her and we watch television. Something will come up on a show that reminds my mother that she has to remind me to do something or clean something or tell me how irresponsible/fat I am. My feelings get hurt so I get up and leave. Then she's mad at me that I never want to sit down there with her.
Situation 2: I go into my dad's study to hang out with him, maybe watch a little tennis on television. He literally sits there doing one of three things. One is he will silently watch whatever show is on. Two is he will make the most Captain Obvious comments about the show. Three is he will sit there, give me the remote to watch what I want while he does something on his iPad. I get bored so I get up and leave. Then he's mad at me that I never want to sit down there with him.
Do either one of those options sound delightful? Didn't think so.
Yet another reason why I want to just get out on my own, I just want to have my own space to decorate/clean however I please. I want to be able to project my own style onto the walls of my own apartment or wherever I move in the future. I know I have to clean, but I hate other people telling me when to do it or how to do it. That was a major problem in my house this past year at school (5 ladies living together, go figure) and it was just so annoying. And my mother does the same thing now. I'm not a pig, I promise you. I like things to be clean but I like a little eclectic clutter. Books and magazines, nail polish and hair accessories. I need that stuff to be around so it feels like it's home. It may sound strange to some people, but that's just how I like things.
I just want to be treated like I'm actually a twenty-one year old. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel

time it was and what a time it was

Today's song: Bookends by Simon & Garfunkel

I feel lonely today. Hopelessly lonely. I realize that I live in a house with two other people, but those people are my parents. I can't exactly sit around talking about things like I would with someone my own age. So instead, I've been up in my room practically all day, yearning for...I don't even know. It's not like I'm totally isolated. I hung out with my friend yesterday, I talked to my best friend for a while today, I went for a run (in 92 degree heat that almost killed me) and then I just started feeling lazy and lonely. I just feel like something is missing. And I can't understand what it is or how I could get it. It's just one of those feelings that I can't shake. I'm not even sure I have anything else to talk about today. If anybody is actually reading this, whoever you are, you should really listen to today's song. It could make me cry at the drop of a hat, especially on a day like today, but it's just so pretty.
Thanks for reading
Love,
Rachel

a simple plot but I know one day, good things are coming our way

Today's song: Up With The Birds by Coldplay

I know what you're thinking. Another blog song by Coldplay? But you can't blame a girl. They are the best band in the entire world. And plus, I'm clearly on a Mylo Xyloto kick right now. Moving right along, today was a good day! My sister and her boyfriend left for Australia this afternoon. So lucky, right?! This will be her second time there and I'm so jealous. But she's going to send me postcards which fits perfectly into my whole postcard obsession.
I got to go to dinner with one of my best girlfriends...we went to Olive Garden which made it all the more fantastic! It was the perfect thing to get me out of the house. Not to mention, we had ample time to exchange recent news with each other. And by recent news, I mean updates on the gentlemen in our lives. I got to telling her about the conversations me and F have been sharing and her final words on the matter were "I like him. He seems like a nice guy. But he needs to get it together with you." I'm so glad I can tell her everything and she feels exactly the same way about it as I do. It made me feel like I wasn't completely crazy for wanting what I do. Maybe we're both crazy and what I want really is impossible, but at least I have someone to talk to about it. Isn't that just the best? When you can tell one of your good friends something and you just know no matter how crazy you sound or whatever the subject may be, they won't judge your or tell you you're wrong. It's so comforting, like warm blankets from a dryer.
On my drive home I decided it was too nice outside to have the windows rolled up and the AC blasting. So I rolled down all my windows, cranked up the volume on my music to the point where I could scream-sing without anybody knowing, and took the long way home. It was that perfect night lighting outside where everybody looks kind of pale but lovely. I love that time of night...I think that's twilight? I could be wrong. Anyway, it was just the perfect summer night to be driving around, blasting all my favorite songs and singing like there was no tomorrow. It was just what I needed.
Plus I'm wearing a cute outfit so you really can't have a bad day then, right?
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel

better yet make your girlfriend disappear

Today's song: Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne

I'd like to start this post out by saying that my blog song of the day is kind of a joke. It's a really obnoxious song, but at the same time - it's obnoxiously fantastic. Go ahead and YouTube that shit and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. I wish I could just spend this whole post blabbering about Avril Lavigne and what a cheesy, god-awful sell-out she is but how her music can still have the power to speak to any girl on the planet, but I know that's not my real problem.
I'm back where I started again. I haven't felt like this is since...maybe the summer of 2010. Perhaps even earlier. It's not even that I'm particularly sad because in this situation I'm in, I knew there could only be one outcome. At least for now. Which is silly of me to even say because I'm just writing it there to make myself feel a little better. Like some day, I'll just put all the pieces together and everything will fit perfectly in its place and I'll be happy as a clam. But does anybody ever really do that? I wouldn't know. Sorry, I'm kind of a scatterbrain right now and this is probably not making a lot of sense. Let me try to explain how I got to this point.
I told you about my dream I had yesterday - the one with the guy whose name is F? Yes, we all remember. Well in real life, I like F a lot. And I completely fucked everything up this past fall because I was confused and selfish, wrapped up in my own emotionally draining relationship. I had my chance with a good guy and as most young and stupid girls do, I passed it by like it was nothing. After months of being with my ex and having doubts about everything more often than not, I realize that I made a mistake. Don't get me wrong, the year and some months that my ex and I had together were full of laughs and love and all that good stuff but it's one of those cliche things where it just "wasn't meant to be". So here I am, so sure of what I want now. And guess what? It's too late. I feel like I'm in one of those awful high school romantic comedy movies and at this point I'd be sitting on my terrace, some sappy music playing in the background, and I'd be daydreaming of what if. Except in the movies, F would realize that he's also made a huge mistake by being with his current girlfriend. He'd run over to my house and climb up my terrace and we'd live happily ever after. BUT. Since I don't have a terrace and this is not a movie, none of that will happen. I don't mean to be such a Negative Nancy and I apologize for whining. If his girlfriend makes him happy, I should be happy right? Why is it so hard then?
I suppose I'll leave you with a quote from a movie that when I first saw, I passionately hated. But I have grown to love it and watch it over and over again, no matter how many times HBO decides to play it.

"What and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if?

Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel

sweet dreams till sunbeams find you

Today's song: Dream A Little Dream Of Me by The Mamas & The Papas

Do you ever have one of those  dreams that is just perfect? You know the kind - you're in such a deep sleep and you subconsciously know you may be indulging yourself, but you just become more and more swept away by how wonderful everything in DreamLand can be. I've noticed that I usually have the most vivid dreams when I fall asleep completely exhausted.
I woke up relatively early this morning to go out shopping with my mother for work clothes (aka shorts of an acceptable length and a one piece bathing suit...gag me). Overall, it was a pretty successful shopping trip and I got all of what I needed, plus some. But after returning home and grabbing a bite to eat, I was ready to nap. So I came upstairs, got myself snuggled up in bed and fell asleep with the most perfect evening lighting coming through my window.
I have to say, this dream was nothing special. I mean, I wasn't Wonder Woman, riding a unicorn to Emerald City to see the wizard or anything like that. Michael Phelps wasn't even there. The only "perfect" things were the beach-front mansion I was apparently residing in and the person I was spending all my time with...let's call him F. So in this dream, F and I were sitting on the beach, drinking wine out of coffee mugs. I don't know why we were using coffee mugs...maybe because I always thought it would be kind of funny to do...I'm weird, I realize this. So we're sitting there, sipping our wine, slowly getting that funny-drunk when everything is just grand and you're so happy you could fall over. I vaguely remember getting up at some point and tossing my mug aside so I could put my feet in the ocean, which was lovely. All of a sudden, we're in this huge beautiful dream house and I couldn't tell if we were packing or unpacking; but there were a lot of cardboard boxes filled with home-y stuff. F was standing in the kitchen pouring us more wine (in actual glasses this time) and rummaging through the boxes for something. I got shnuggled up in the most perfect gray sweatshirt, picked up my glass of wine and was twirling around the kitchen for a while listening to some delightful music playing from somewhere inside the house. Then F said he had to go upstairs to find something so I plopped myself down on this big comfy couch in the living room. F came back downstairs and told me that we were out of tape (????) to which I told him "Don't worry, it'll be fine". He came around the couch and sat down, threw his arms around me and kissed me on my cheek. I was giggling and happy as ever. I leaned into him and there we sat. Together and perfect. He was wearing his glasses and I took them off and put them on myself and laughed. F picked up a camera from the end table and we took goofy pictures of each other, laughing the whole time. I got up and he chased me out to the porch, overlooking the beach. By now it was evening and the sun was setting (perfect. I know, right?). I had the camera and continued taking pictures of the beach while F laid down on the floor of the porch. I stumbled over and straddled him, taking a picture of his face, smiling. I moved beside him and all of a sudden, it was like a television was on and I heard a news show starting. I sat up and realized I was just waking up from my nap in my bedroom at home, and my mother had just turned on the local news station.
What a let down. But it was so perfect. I know I've probably overused that word in this post but that's the only word for it. As you can imagine, I was perturbed when I realized that my dream wasn't my real life. Maybe someday though, right? A girl can dream...
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel

through chaos as it swirls, it's us against the world

Today's song: Us Against The World by Coldplay

I skipped a day! Noooo! I thought I was going to have more time/energy yesterday after I went out for drinks with my friend from high school. But alas, I had one too many margaritas. It was a great time though. We tried to go downtown to this semi-swanky place. We had a couple mojitos (delish!) but old people started filing in and we decided some good old Mad Mex would be a better choice. So we headed over there and ordered ourselves some "Big Azz Margaritas"...literally a huge cup full of tequila, with a splash of mix. But who am I to complain? It was perfect. Upon my return home, I no longer felt tired so I decided my best move would be to get on Facebook. Let me tell you, it was not my best move. I left this guy I like a VIDEO. And I mean like...a DRUNK. VIDEO. So embarrassing! I mean, I was going on and on about how I miss him and how my hair was being too big. Which actually, it wasn't. I was having a really great hair day actually. He ended up finding it hilarious though so I suppose if I was able to make him laugh, what's a little embarrassment?
Moving right along to today, I've had quite an on-off day with my mother. Sometimes she treats me like I'm five years old and I don't mean to sound like a whiney tween or anything...I love my mother. I think she is a strong and beautiful woman. But she really knows how to get under my skin. It's like all day, we could not carry on a normal conversation. We would start talking about one thing, and then the next thing I know, she is bossing me around and telling me what I'm doing wrong and how I need to fix this and that. I just hate that. It gets to the point where I know she's trying to do it "out of love" or whatever, but it gets to be a bit annoying when you're twenty-one and your own mother doesn't even trust you to remember to apply sunscreen. I'm trying not to complain too much because things have been going alright lately, but I had to have a mini-rant at least! Plus, we did end up watching You Got Mail (one of our shared favorite movies) and making fun of my Facebook friends for a while, so that was pretty enjoyable.
On another note, my ex sent me a really sweet text this evening. He must have been thinking about when we first met, judging from his message. It was so out of left field though, that I wasn't even sure how to respond. It got me thinking about this past year and all the fun we've had together. But I just have to keep stopping myself. It's not good for either one of us right now and I think I'm doing an okay job of moving forward and not concentrating on it.
Tomorrow is my shopping for a work uniform day with my mother so we'll how much fun that will be...
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel

From my shipwreck I heard her call and she sang

Today's song: Don't Let It Break Your Heart by Coldplay

Today, I'm trying to teach myself a lesson in how to appreciate the little things. It all started when I was out for my now daily run. I was looping around one of the many culs de sac in my neighborhood, when off in the distance I could see a boy playing basketball. As I got closer, I noticed that this boy just so happened to be shirtless. And gorgeous. I mean, tall, gleaming with sweat, mussy hair from being outside...perfect. I was feeling pretty confident with my choice of running outfit that day and I didn't think at that point that my hair looked too shabby. So I circled around the cul de sac and was now facing this fine young man. Rihanna was pumping through my head phones and into my head, boosting my confidence and making me feel...almost...sexy? Thus, I decided I would boldly "flash him a smile" as they say in Cosmopolitan magazine...which yes, is my guilty pleasure. I usually don't do this kind of thing because I'm a pretty shy girl and try to avoid eye contact with strangers most of the time. Back to the story, I was about to get to his driveway and I did it! I flashed him my best smile and wiped the sweat from my forehead (hot, I know right?). And guess what happened?! He flashed ME a smile and waved! I know it may sound silly or like I'm an attention seeking whore (which I promise you I'm not) but it was just what I needed to boost my confidence a little from yesterday. I don't even know this guy...not his name, not his age - nothing. And that's what was so perfect about it. It was just a few-seconds moment between two strangers but it was precisely what I needed.
Then while in the shower, I realized that I have a slight tan line beginning to show where my tank top stops and the skin on my arms starts showing. I never get too tan so I was pretty excited. I'm off to see a movie tonight with my sister and Dad which isn't all that exciting but it'll be nice to get out of the house. I also found a bottle of nail polish that I've been missing for about half a year now and it's the most perfect shade of summer red! I even got to talk to my best friend for a little bit this afternoon. She's studying abroad so I don't get the chance to talk to her all that often so when I do, it's wonderful and makes my day. I have a God-sent cup of ice water sitting next to me and I'm listening to my favorite band and keeping up with my blog like I said I would. I'm content. Even if it's just those tiny things...they're making my day.
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel

Wondering could you stay my love?

Today's song: Dreaming With a Broken Heart by John Mayer

Today isn't so good. Actually no, that's somewhat of a lie. Until about seven minutes ago, my day was going pretty good. I finally finished all of my laundry *applause* which was mildly exciting! I skipped out on church which I don't feel very good about, but I went for a run instead. I ran longer than I did yesterday and wasn't as exhausted doing it which felt kind of nice. I got back home, did my ab workouts and was feeling pretty accomplished. I showered, sat around, watched television, ate dinner and watched part of a movie. Then I came upstairs just now to check my Facebook/Twitter (like I have any friends...) and realized that I hadn't been on my blog today! OH NO! While deciding which songs to listen to while I write, I was reminded of a good friend of mine and decided to listen to some good ol' John Mayer. Leave it up to me to put on the most depressing of his songs in my opinion - Dreaming With a Broken heart (which as you can see, is today's blog song). I have always loved this song, in its own depressing kind of way. But I had never really payed any attention to the lyrics or what he was saying.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart 

                                                The waking up is the hardest part 

You roll outta bed and down on your knees 

And for the moment you can hardly breathe 

Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room? 

No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone

This first section of lyrics (what is that called? stanza? no, that's poetry...VERSE). Yes this verse of the song stood out to me this evening for some reason. It's just a very true idea I think. After I had broken up with my boyfriend, I stayed in bed for hours on end, ignoring school work, classes, friends...any of the normal things I do on a regular basis were shoved away in some kind of "I'm too sad" closet. I was too "depressed" to make myself crawl out of bed even to take a shower. Which I realize now is kind of gross and everything but you catch my drift. I was a broken-hearted girl in her early twenties. This was to be expected. I ate my feelings and listened to sad music. I called my now, ex boyfriend and cried to him on the phone. We saw each other here and there actually...even spent a few nights together, each time promising it would be "our last night together". We never "did" anything (in the R rating kind of sense), just cuddled and told each other how much we'd miss one another. I know it sounds bad and like I'm just reverting back to my old thoughts but I just wish I could spend five minutes back there. I mean way back to when everything was new and fun. I'm sure we all have our ex's that we think about like that. We know it wouldn't be a good idea at all because we would just be spiraling back to where all this pain began, but wouldn't it be grand if that didn't have to happen? If we could just go back for a day or two and immerse ourselves in that new, flirty, lovey-dovey honeymoon stage? And then of course immediately stop ourselves and come back to reality? I guess it wouldn't be possible because we'd most likely just want to stay there forever...like a vacation. I would never move to some white sanded, crystal blue water'd beach because that would take the fun out of it. I suppose that's why that whole honeymoon stage is special. Because after a while it may fade a bit (which is sadly, natural). But say you're married for thirty years and are still blissfully in love. You can always go back to that honeymoon stage if you try. You just can't live there. We'd all be goo-goo eyed idiots if we could do that. I guess it's just another one of those "life isn't fair" or "life can be cruel" kind of deals. Once it's over, you want it back immediately. And once you realize that you can't do that, it's torturously difficult to move on.
Who knows, maybe this is all a backwards, roundabout sign of me moving forward and maturing. I hope so because I am a really ugly crier.
Thanks for reading :)
Love,
Rachel

Sing it out loud and let yourself free

Today's song: The Golden Age by The Asteroids Galaxy Tour

Day two! I'd say I'm doing pretty fabulously so far at keeping up with this whole daily writing thing (haaaaaha). Anywho, I've had another pretty good day! I woke up from the strangest dream though...I was in Oakland on this particular afternoon, just walking around enjoying the city. All of a sudden I walked up to this huge white Escalade, jumped in, somehow turned the car on and started speeding around! Obviously this car did not belong to me but I had not a single care in the world. The police started chasing me and it turned into one of those insane high-speed chases you see on television shows. Eventually, I sped away from the police and pulled over in a parking lot. The owner of the vehicle was standing there waiting...I handed him the keys and casually walked away as if nothing had happened. And that was it. I'm not sure if this means I secretly have a criminal mind of sorts or what, but it's pretty strange, yeah?
Moving right along, I'm still buried in my mountains of laundry. Although in my defense, the amount of clothing I have in my possession that does not belong to me is unbelievable. I mean, I have hoodies, shirts on shirts on shirts, even some socks. Insanity. After throwing yet another load into the washer, I decided that today would be the first day of my workout routine that I'm starting up! It seems like every summer, by the time I wake up, bum around for a bit and finally get dressed and get my ipod and sneakers ready to go, it is THE hottest part of the day. Today for instance, I left my house at about 3:20pm. It was about eighty degrees but I didn't mind. More sweat + more struggle = more fun, right? Yes! So I ran around my neighborhood which is about three miles all around, if you go into each nook and cranny, which I am proud to say that I did. Okay, okay I may have not ran the entire time but I still made it around the whole thing. By the time I got back I was pretty red in the face and out of breath. I grabbed myself a cup of ice cold water and came to my room to do my ab circuit. I could barely see straight but isn't that just the best feeling? When you know that you've worked out so hard and you just feel so exhaustedly pleased with yourself? I sat down on my bedroom floor only to realize that I had not planned out any kind of ab exercises to do. I know a whole bunch but I'm not professional trainer and had no idea which ones I should do or if there is a specific order I should do them in. I did some google-ing and texted my workout loving brother and came up with a nice little list...
Crunches - 30 sec
Leg raises - 30 sec
Bicycles - 30 sec
Russian twists - 30 sec
Side plank - 30 sec/side
Reg. plank - 30 sec
So I did all those, then repeated it two more times. I felt pretty accomplished afterwards. Not only were my legs burning and screaming at me to sit down, but my abs could barely hold themselves together as I walked to the shower. I'm feeling pretty good about myself today...no complaints, for once! This entry may have been a little boring but I didn't really go out in the world and do anything besides run around my neighborhood like a sweaty fool.
Thanks for reading anyways :)
Love,
Rachel

Revamping

For the past few days, I've been in a funk. And I don't mean any kind of funk. I mean a break-up, bad grades, moving back home, missing my best friends kind of funk. It's like too many things are going on at once and I can't even find the emotional capacity to deal with all of them...or any for that matter. It's now Friday evening, I've been home since Sunday afternoon...and somewhere between crying myself to sleep and trying to deal with having to live with my parents for the next three months, I had a kind of epiphany.
I think the event that really pushed me over the pathetic edge I was standing on, and into the reality of summer was finding out that I landed my dream job, working at the YMCA as a camp counselor. Then this morning, I got a random surge of energy when I awoke from my precious twelve-hour slumber. I was going to get shit done today. I mean, what the heck was I doing? I hadn't even unpacked my clothing. I've been living off a weeks-worth of undies and awful combinations of shorts and t-shirts that refuse to match properly (which if you know me well, is bothering me to no end). I need to unpack! And I need to exercise! And I need to fucking get over myself and enjoy my summer!
Phew! So I ate my breakfast, unloaded my suitcases and started my laundry. Now I know that may not seem like any huge feat to anybody, but if you could only see the condition I was in. It was like someone had sucked the happy (and cleanliness) out of me. Gross. I was not happy-Rachel and I was beginning to get on my own nerves. I had been sitting around on Facebook and Twitter, hating people who were happy...going away on trips, studying abroad, starting new relationships or just enjoying themselves in general. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, who I've known for about a year and a half and I've been struggling with that. By struggling, I mean sleeping in his t-shirts and clutching the stuffed bear he gave me for Valentine's Day. I actually got into an argument with my mother and she used my breakup against me which blew any kind of confidence I had going right out the window. It's not that I'm one hundred percent over it, but I need to move on. And I feel really good about that...and from there I think everything else has room to improve. I don't need some guy to be talking to 24/7. I don't need to share every detail of my life with someone else. I want to do good for myself...I want to write, I want to exercise, I want to go to my job and actually enjoy it...there's an endless list of possibilities I suppose.
So back to my day...I took a shower, washed off all the grime and hate and depression and just kept doing my laundry...like a boss. Then I remembered this blog that I haven't written anything on since last summer. Which is kind of sad, because this was supposed to be my summer project that I wouldn't give up on. But maybe this summer it will actually work. I think I was going in the wrong direction with it before. I wanted it to be something that I just wasn't even comfortable doing. I want to write about how I'm feeling and I don't really care if anybody reads it or not. It's something for me. I want to prove to myself that I can set this goal and stick with it till the end of the summer...at least! It's going to be going in a different direction from now. A kind of "everyday girl" perspective. I realize it may just sound like I'm some self-centered girl who can't get enough of talking about herself and her life, and that may be true for all you know, but I don't care. Read this or not, enjoy it or not. I'm just putting it out there. Because you know what? I bet there's someone out there, some boy who wants to know what goes on inside a girl's head, or some girl who just wants to read something she can relate to. Either way, I'm excited to be writing again.
And now here I am - content, excited, rejuvenated (sort of).
Thanks for reading
Love,
Rachel